Toning shoes, in case you have been in suspended animation or very very male for the past couple of years, are shoes that make it slightly harder to walk by changing the positioning and slant of the foot (and a number of other things I'm sure you can find in addition to the special Sketchers diet program - I kid not - in some handbook somewhere). I was initially resistant to them, because they come off as pretty much the epitome of snake-oil panaceas to all your obseity woes (also, I'm not obese and I already exercise regularly, so there's that). If you read the ad-copy, it's as if the moment the shoe touches your foot, you will suddenly lose fifty pounds, all the cellulite and stretch marks you'd expect after losing those fifty pounds, have enough muscle tone to crack a walnut with your perfectly chiseled thighs, and possibly go up a cup size up top (why not). The more modest claims are that they work different muscles than walking in regular shoes, and are gentler on your feet and ankles. These actually seem to be backed up a bit.
Being a generally cantankerous contrarian, I tend to have a hatred of anything faddy. I'd like to imagine that my disgust for skinny jeans, crotchety wtf about certain "innovative and AMAZING" blockbusters, blossoming hatred of iCrap (I would like to say I've finally ended my codependant relationship with iTunes after only losing half my music collection!), and uncertainty about vibram barefoot runners has to do with a keen and thoughtful analysis, but it's probably at least partially inspired to the same sort of knee-jerk reaction that causes others to run towards a fad. Hipsters, after all, are notable for hating hipsters. I hope I'm not a hipster, but all hipsters hope this. Which is confusing to me, so I'll move on. I'm told that really we tend to have no idea why things appeal to us, but some things do appeal and once we act on that appeal we are masters at creating post hoc rationalizations about why the thing appeals. Anyways, that means that everything I write will ultimately just be a constructed explanation of preferences I don't actually understand and while it sounds all nice and logical, it will be superfluous. What else is new, right? Hell, I'm in law school, isn't the point to make up random explanations for things that suits my flexible idea du jour.
So, my post-hoc rationalization, (or pre-hoc rationalization kind of) was pretty simple: I was curious what the hell they were talking about with all this "reverse heel rocker toe magic" and when I tried them on I discovered that they're fun to walk in! They feel weird when you walk. Not the most exciting one, but quite appealing. I am guessing that wearing them is not a suitable substitute for actual exercising, but it may well be that working slightly different muscles or a tiny amount of additional difficulty to incidental walking isn't a bad thing per se. Oh, also they make me taller. And they really aren't difficult to walk in. I'm confused about the "balance" part of it, because I can't say I've ever felt off balance in them. Maybe it's really too much Julia and Jaana in my mornings. Maybe I secretly enjoy the fact that they make me two inches taller and are the exact opposite of high heels (which I still adore first and foremost).
I do, however, draw the line at crocs. Although those aren't really popular anymore are they? I'm actually not quite sure. But me, I prefer alligators:
Similar to roombas, but with more teeth. Great for any household and comes in a sizes ranging from mansion to studio apartment. Now this is a trend I could really get behind.
PLUS, you can preserve their wear by freezing them when you aren't using them:
I am on a roll you know. But it really does bring something relevant to the conversation, I think. Namly, There's an old Irish proverb: to have your alligators thaw out and your daughter forgive you all in the same day... that's fortuosity.
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