Stop it before it's too late!

As I may have complained on facebook (what can I say, my campaign against undesirable clothing must go multimedia!): It seems the the inexplicable and perfidious perforation of skinny jeans and the subsequent reinvention of the legging as something to be worn as more than thick and unflattering tights or yoga pants makes it only a matter of time before stirrup pants return. I can't exactly explain why these trends more or less anger me the way they do, but I suspect there's only so many hours of a day in which you need to spend wondering if the overweight nineteen year old with the - er - fascinating body proportions is wearing a thong or simply going commando. Yes, I'm fashion-biased. I have a very firm sense of what I like and it's rooted in the fact that I am tall. I feel like I've reached a certain happiness in my figure where I can really and truly get away with long flowy clothing. I like/love/lust-over long legged pants - perhaps because I can't find many of them that actually are long one me - with loose legs. My ideal pants hug the hips, follow the inward line of the thighs and then flow out in swirls around my legs. These pants dance with me. They give the illusion of organically rising from the earth. Like, I say, probably a short women is less keen on this dryadic conceit. They have a loose and casual effect, and maybe (knowing me) are sexy less became they look like they've been painted on and more because they look like they may slip off at impulse.  But even if we are taking my exaggerated preferences out of it, here's the thing(s) about skinny jeans and  leggings:

1. Denim and legging material are both a little magical when stretch tighter than drum skins on a woman's body - they take minor alterations in the feminine terrain and exaggerates them. They show every dimple, wobble and bump in "object in mirror is larger than appears" grand opera fashion.

2. Wearing skinny jeans don't make you skinny? You know that girl who surrounds herself with slightly fatter and plainer friends to look better? That girl? She's your jeans. You are skinny jeanses plainer and fatter friend and she is the skinny pretty one. Your pants shouldn't be using you as a wingman. 

3. Tight pants that cut off just at the ankle universally make the feet underneath them look freakishly large, and the legs they attach too shorter than they actually are. To cure this, one must don boots or extraordinarily high heels in a drastic attempt to once again lengthen the legs and hide the foot's insistence on hitting the ground horizontally, hence the tendency for awkwardly mishappen girls with no balance are tottering around slowly and unsurely in front of me when I am trying to walk to class bobbling their oddly shaped and highly enhanced lower bodies in front of me as they do it. Wait, I personalized that didn't I? 

4. Virtually no body type can pull off the skinny jeans/leggings look. Skinny girls look too skinny, curvy girls look like sausages about to burst, long legs still look stunted and enormous, and short legs look... even more stunted and yet still enormous. Note I say pull off. No body type is actually flattered by these styles. Some just have enough confidence and not enough horrifically glaring defects that they can convince other woman that they must look good in them and blind men by the proximity of their current dress to nudity (although ultimately, try getting those pants off - you're further from sex than you ever thought you could be, boys). I think it's kind of like those empire dresses where the statement is actually that you are so pretty, you can afford to wear unflattering clothing. Unfortunately, this isn't actually true most of the time. 

5. It didn't take long for nauseatingly hip and shapeless men to adopt skinny jeans... how long, girls, do you think it will be before they start wearing your ass-bearing leggings? You have a month or two at most before this hits the streets. You wanna see that? Really? Only you can stop this blight on society!