A word about popular films

Yes, like every other human being in existence, I saw Avatar. As reported, it is pretty darned lovely to look at, and if you ever doubted the magnificence of Sigourney Weaver's bosom, the miracle of 3D will put all worries to rest. Story-wise... well, yes, everything the critics have said could be reprised justiciably: it is pretty undeniably Star-Wars-Dances-With-Wolves-Pocohantas-Fern-Gully-Lion-King-Everclear-thrown-into-a-blender-and-diluted-with-generic-pablum-that-screams-14-year-old-white-boy's-wet-dream-fantasy-escape.

I sort of wonder if this isn't actually a cinematic ode to World of Warcraft, since it's basically the story of a guy whose life sucks a lot (bum legs, out of a job, dead brother) until he gets put into a virtual existence on a planet where the some electromagnetic energy in the trees apparently makes up a huge "network" (their words not mine) and plays around there until he "no longer knows which world is real," finally gets laid and eventually and inevitably decides to sever all ties to his actual life to marry the girlfriend he finally got himself in his strapping new sporty fake body while alienating the rest of humanity. Don't worry, you never have to live real life again! And judging by the scene in which the hero and heroin are "mated for life" under the "tree of souls" the future of entertainment technology is... of course... sci fi porn. Trust me on this one.

Anyways, I guess this is the sort of film worth seeing, because it does set a pulchritudinous precedent for the silver screen. But only in the theatre and preferrably in 3D, since the story obstreperously battles the beauty of James Cameron's fancy new toys and this is a movie best (and only) enjoyed with a deliberate ignorance of the story the gets us from one pretty landscape to another nifty battle scene. Lose yourself in spiff and spectacle and you might miss out some of the more cringeworthy moments of unfettered cliche. Sadly, this film really wants you to like it, hear it, understand it; kind of like that ex-boyfriend who shows up at your apartment drunk off his ass and bemoaning what a fool he's been at 2am on Valentine's Day. It would not stoop to crying or calling you the only person whoever really "got" it, I'm fairly certain.

I don't mind that the good guys are boring, since good guys are really hard to get right (and they are purdy, sinewy supermodels of vaguely exotic affect, afterall, which forgives so many sins), but the bad guys were... boring! They might as well have been the roving polluters from the old Captain Planet cartoons. I'm not saying that people like this do not exist, but if they do they are boring enough not to deserve a showing in an epic fantasy spectacular. When the bad guys are boring, the story is doomed. No amount of spectacular music and stirring Braveheartesque speecher from the great white savior can engage me. However, as a sidenote, James Cameron would like you to note that Michelle Rodriguez kicks ass. There's no reason for the film to note this, but since it's true, we'll accept it. I also give many of the actors huge props for getting their lines out without cracking up - a bigger accomplishment than you can imagine if you haven't seen the film. I suspect their struggles with the straight-face have at least something to do with the pregnant pauses and bloated delivery. It may also be the inspiration for most of this film being animated.

Anyways, I get cranky about books and movies sometimes, so ignore this rant and enjoy the movie. Something about feeling taken hostage by a movie forcing me to sit through it (and yes I like to avoid all agency in my aesthetic circumstances), so perhaps this is unwarranted cantankery. Most people seem to really enjoy it and if they'd just take the film soundtrack out and replace it with an assortment of Germanic death metal guitar solos, I actually think this would be on my top picks of the year.



By contrast, Sherlock Holmes went the preferrable route of accepting that the plot, itself, was immaterial compared with Robert Downey Junior's sheer magnificence and Jude Law's dapper pensivity and planned the movie accordingly. For this, I applaud all involved.