As previously mentioned, I'm enrolled in two classes - well, a clinic and a class - that take a different and more interpersonal/communication focus than traditional law school classes. Mediation, of course, is not a strictly legal practice. Interviewing and counseling is in one sense, but draws on skills and studies from across the board. There are shades of psychology/sociology in both. We are attempting to learn how to interact with people in a means that accomodates and facilitates a flow of information and an active role in problem solving.
It's an interesting experience. I tend to think of people skills more as people talent - some folks instinctively employ language and behavior that creates a reaction in people. Some are extremely charismatic. For instance, one guy at the law school has met me and had a short conversation with me a total of one time over a year ago and yet manages to greet me on almost intimate terms in a way that is flattering and comforting whenever we see each other. Others behaving in exactly the same way would come across as schmoozing or sleazy or discomforting. But with him, it's just so natural and so genuine that I can't help but like him.
Nothing is more unsettling than somebody who is awkward with people attempting to mimic the skills of the people-versed. This can happen in the context of empathic listening (a cornerstone of both interviewing and mediating). I've definitely had insincere people parroting gentle speak language in a bombastically insincere or passive aggressive manner. I'm terrified of ending up as one of those people at the end of all this training. But I suppose skills and talent complement each other. Natural talent may require repitition to hone skill, and a lack of talent may limit the efficacy of skill past a certain point or require more effort to develop skills. At the end of the day, however, both are required to some degree.
Additionally, for an introvert like me, I often feel that it's necessary to step into a role, one with defined parameters and expectations, when dealing with others. I'm generally overwhelmed by new situations and contextlessness; awash with details, my instinct is to shut down. I'm very adept detecting new bits of information - I'll immediately notice a blinking phone or hear a doorbell before everyone else, because it's different than the familiar surrounding. When many things are different, I don't know what to notice first, and the resulting backlog causes some system errors (maybe this is why I'm so understanding of my computer when it biffs on the multitasking). Knowing the rules and becoming practiced in a role is extremely helpful, because it helps shape my focus to a manageable scope. Maybe role isn't the right description; maybe it's just that I allow certain pertinent aspects of my personality come to the fore and pay less heed to others. It's hard for all of anyone to surface at once - so inevitably we pick-and-choose according to the context.
And so, yesterday I began my intensive mediation training:
Much of our first day focused on self-analysis and our thoughts about how our individual personalities would affect our styles and learning trajectory and it's something I plan to address here, both as a prototype for future journal entries that will be due for the clinic and because I think self-analysis is helpful in understanding the process when it becomes external.
My experience with Conflict:
I'm generally very accomodating in my own conflicts. I tend to assume that I'm more willing and able to bear the inconveniences of not getting what I want; or at least I have a higher preference for knowing what the other person is getting what he/she wants, and am willing to make sure these desires are satisfied before independantly attempting to satisfy my own needs. It's an economic decision in some regards, dealing with preferences: I prefer to know exactly what the other person wants and that they are happy than to get exactly what I want. Or the cost of getting what I want is too substantial to balance out the cost of going without and/or finding a way to provide it for myself.
It doesn't always pan out: many take excessive accomodation as checking out(which it often is - as sometimes I can meet my psychological needs through a mixture of fantasy/inward looking), a refusal to engage, or insincerity. My Dad once despairingly announced that I was an information sponge - taking everything in but releasing nothing. Sometimes interpersonal relationships require enough of an ongoing relation that I take on a more assertive role. Not because I'm necessarily comfortable with it, but as a sign of respect for the relationship and a recognition of the need for an interpersonal relatiosnhip in which I am actively involved. I also have come to understand that many people aren't like me. That they need my input to connect or engage and don't know the words to ask the relevant questions to manually open me up. I've learned to be confrontational at times, because there are certain times when it is simply appropriate. If nothing else, I've expanded my repetoires of dealing with others and hope to continue to do so as no one approach is a fit-all-bandaid.
My Role as a Listener:
Admittedly, sometimes, it's handy to be a sponge. Conversations can take on the dimensions of Schroedinger's cat - as soon as you engage in a conversation with somebody, you change their perceptions; you change their communication strategy; you change the content of communication. You might do so overtly, hijacking the conversation and setting its agenda. Or you might be more subtle - with body language that incites them to alter their story to suit their perception of your expectations and suit your judgment/values.
In a sense I find myself minimizing my conflicting presence by instinctively mirroring body language and making myself a one-way reciever, occasionally mirroring back their sentiments or - heaven forbid, because I know it's annoying - finishing their sentences with them. Because I'm generally quiet, people talk more often around me, if for no other reason than to fill up the space. The more they talk, the more comfortable they become and the more expansive their conversation becomes. For me, it often means that I have a chance to see this person in a less edited context, to learn their individual language, and to observe them at their least self-conscious. It also allows me to serve as something of a translator between two people who have never quite learned the others' language.
My Role as A Speaker:
I am very inwardly focused and prefer to have control over my own thoughts until they've reached a certain point of unwavering clarity (so, virtually never since I'm also very indecisive). I believe my perceptions are mere perceptions and memories are highly mutable. I have a tendency to reinterpret the same story in every possible context and from every point of view, to the point that I rarely feel solidly alligned with any one position.
If somebody questions me on something I present, I will waver, regardless of how much information I have to support my perception. Because of this, once my thoughts are out in the open, I feel that I've lost them, which can be a very terrifying proposition. Because it's difficult for me to share personal feelings before they are perfect, I consider it a significant token of respect to the person listening. If I feel in any way that they are not understanding or making the effort to really appreciate what I'm saying or the fact that I am making this effort to communicate, I shut down. I am constantly aware of facial expressions and auditory feedback. If communication is clearly not getting through, I become frustrated at first and eventually coalesce to the assumptions my interlocutor appears to be making. This is something that I've fought for the sake of personal relationships or in classroom environments - sometimes quite sucesfully once I've established my role in that environment as being more outspoken, and so on - but there are significant limits to my ability to open up.
My Role as a Teacher:
Teaching tango is an example of a situation in which I am asked to leave a thumbprintthis. Without some sense of authority and direction, students often lose interest; sometimes they bully other students, attempting to "teach" when they should be learning, or merely projecting frustration; and some are unwilling to be vulnerable and embarrass themselves a little, something necessary when attempting to master one's own body in unfamiliar ways. While the learning process is still a conversation, it is one that requires a prominent presence. My emphasis is still on observing and listening - I approach teaching from a non-didactic approach, constantly attempting to encourage participation in every aspect of the learning process - but I am steering. Much of the time, students are dancing with each other and I am observing, offering affirmations, creating and maintaining a safe environment and answering questions. I don't think of myself as teaching as much as facilitating individual learning (particularly because so much of learning dance is simply getting motions into the body through repetition and learning to listen to one's own body).
So, that's the foundation that I guess I'm building from. I'm very anxious about building on this, because I do have some difficulties thinking on my feet until I have a very comfortable role or pattern. Growing pains to come... Stay tuned!
No comments:
Post a Comment