J. CrazyPants

It's time to revisit our morning adventures in catalogs!

So, I think that the models in J. Crew actually pissed off the stylist in some pretty major way this catalog. I'm also fairly certain that drugs were - as always - involved, but that maybe the use took a turn for the ugly in kind of a Requiem for a Dream of Clothes That Don't Make Your Eyes Bleed (or in sequelese 2 Meth 2 Furious). There's actually a point where parody is outpaced by the original material and we've gone far into this land with the current catalog. I'm jealous, because I don't think I could devote myself so singularly to such an anti-style. It's like perfectly ordering a deck of cards to have absolutely no order. A feat of pure post-post-post-modern pinache. Next, they'll simply have an entire catalog of white pages a la John Cage. 

But ok, in case you were wondering how you - as a hip anorexic hepcat with too much money in you pocket - will be dressing this season:

Yes, the photo sucks in eye searing capture - that belt is bright cobalt.
She is the world's sexiest produce! Like if Veggie Tales
made Erotica. I am torn between
two or three rather stellar banana jokes, but will go with...

This outfit can be paired with our specialized Moab Handwoven Microsilk Jacket:

Yes, it's $1,300, but you can afford it:
There's always money in the banana stand!

And a cheaper ready-to-wear version of the jacket

See, this is where I start to feel bad for the models.
This is clearly a model's version of a Time Out.
Bad, Krissie - you drank all Shamora's low-carb vodka goji energy
fizzies. Go stand in the ugly outfit and say you're sorry! I'm also
fairly certain that this shirt is made from the wall paper from
a crazy old lady's awesome house. There's probably a skinny
model shaped hole in her dining room now!

Oh noooo she has the Bluebonic Plague! Those boils are highly
contag... wait that's just a necklace? Um. I don't... um...
I'm avoiding her anyways. 

Ok, actually, I've gotta give it to them for these Bridesmaid's Dresses.
They are *everything a bridesmaid's dress should be:
hideous pastel, unflattering, poorly sized, and obscenely expensive.
Also likely to subject the bridesmaid to lots of "funny" jokes from
the groom's drunk uncle about "unwrapping that present"
Seriously, did they have to make their bridesmaid's dresses
from left over wrappings from the bridal shower??

Anyways, I didn't photograph the men folk this time out, but I would like to comment on my growing concern about their shrinking pants. Yes, I do have some concerns for their sperm counts and my virgin eyes, but more primarily, it's the hems that concern me. I think maybe it's to show off their snazzy shoes and/or whimsical socks, but the men in the catalog appear to now be wearing suits and slacks that cut off mid-ankle. Which is highly indecent. I envision next season involving men in capris and my brain is not ready to go there just yet.

Reporting my favorite topic-to-watch, the status of what horrible jeans are supplanting all natural aesthetics and thwarting any claim to a shred of an average woman's body-positive image:

Ok, so when I was younger, Toothpick was a pejorative to be lobbed at soon-to-be-sobbing girls for having inadequately sexy bodies for appropriate youthful objectification. I'm guessing that next season, we'll be marketing "Obese Pregnant Beluga Jeans" next to our "Tiny Titties Baby Trainer Bra" and "Hideous Muffins Toppers" They will likely be colored day glo with reflective tape arrows pointing to whatever least flattering part of the physique they are seeking to highlight. I am looking forward to it. Really. But those poor models. No wonder they always look so crazy in those Vogue Photo Editorials.