2. A few days ago I saw the newspaper heading Gay Marriage Blocks Fat, which was pretty great, in my opinion. Unfortunately it actually said "Gay Marriage Block Fails", which is good news in and of itself, but something of a letdown. I think it's only a matter of time before we realize the validity of the former, though. Anyhow, it would be a good way to gain wider public support for Gay Marriage. I'm thinking a couple of infomercials and a quick ten second spot later and we'll have legalization from coast to coast.
3. As it would turn out I'm pretty awful at applying non-stage makeup. Applying eye makeup in particular is a magical adventure that general invovles poking myself in the eye with a variety of different pointy things covered in colored inks, a lot of swearing and then generally wiping it all off with a paper towel until it is only the hint of a shadow of something made up over the burning red rings of irritated skin. All the eye poking did inspire me to want to patent iris liner: crayons and pens made directly for drawing on the eyeball. Just think. Forget colored contacts. You could draw smiley faces on your eyes, paint the whites of your eyes purple on one side and green on the other...
4. For strippers: a pair of string undies, with a battery-powered-vintage-diner-style-flashing-neon open sign affixed to the butt.
5. Just wait until Disney ventures into the internment business. You could be laid to rest dressed up as Cinderella. The seven dwarves would bear your pumpkin casket. Timon and Pumba would give your musical eulogy - hakuna matata! Then there'd be fireworks and singing and dancing while various people in oversized suits wandered around signing autographs for your survivors (I love how one is "survived by"... it really makes it sound like life is a Battle Royale experience - this globe isn't big enough for the both of us and damnit one of us isn't walking out of here today). How cool would that be? Oh I'm writing them today. Just think of the musical animatronic headstones!
6. I'm fairly certain you could market spit as an anti-aging breakthrough without even all that many resources devoted to spinning it. Probably it would be best if it were somehow "rare" spit, because let's face it, if it's easily aquirable people won't pay an arm and a leg to smear it on their faces. Maybe panda spit. Or dodo spit, synthetically manufactured from "the last remaining dodo DNA on the planet". This would be good because it not only involves something unpleasant (always a plus in a beauty product) and rare but it also involves something "scientific" - science sounds like science fiction and we all know that science fiction deals with a future world where everybody wears grey jumpsuits, sits in uncomfortable chairs and has perfect twenty year old skin. Of course, I don't know if dodos had a lot of spit. Saint Bernards, see, they would be the perfect supply. They produce like nobody's business. Somebody could get a bunch, sit them in stalls and "drool" them like farmers milk cows. But you'd need a gimmick somewhere since Saint Bernard's are expensive but hardly rare. Also, the final product should have cayenne pepper in it. If your skin stings, you know it's working.
7. Ok, so if I were a Tom Robbins wannabe author wanting to write something supercool, I'd so write a love story about two personalities of one Dissociative Identity Disodered individual. No, not so much a Tom Robbins novel, I take it back, but maybe just you know this season's new "quirky romantic comedy". I'm thinking I'd cast John Cusack. He could make out with himself and tenderly hold his own hand... obviously he'd meet like a real woman and start falling for her, because every love story needs obstacles, but then his other personality could completely ruin her life and in the end John would be happy with himself. It would be a really affirmative message about being strong on one's own. Or the sanctity of marriage, because when you get married, a lot of ceremonies put this emphasis on how you are kind of becoming one person... this is very deep.
8. Dr. Pepper now sells Berries and Cream Dr. Pepper. I'm delighted by how revolting it is, but more so by the continuation of the new cola trend of turning soft drinks into synthetic casseroles. I give it a week until coke counter-realeses with Diet Holiday Spice Cherry-Vanilla-Lemon-Lime Coke Zero With Splenda. But what I'm really looking forward to is the incorporation of new syrup flavors. Rutabaga Mountain Dew. Borscht Mr. Pibb. Celery-Caviar Sprite.
9. Jamais. Doesn't that sound like a really hip name for jam? It would have mint garlic and peanut butter in it with touches of saffron and truffles. Mmmmm. Hipster food. Nihilist condiments. Sweet.
And finally...
10. Troy + Fight Club = Box Office Gold. I figure this can get made: It's a simple matter of comissioning Chuck Palahniuk to write a "contemporary" version of the Iliad and, since the only book he can write is Fight Club, inevitably it will be the right book for Hollywood to come along to and pick up the film rights to. It's beyond perfect.
So here's some basic things I envision this encorporating:
- Hector pummeling Helen's face into the ground until she is a pulsating mass after which he explains to Achilles that he "felt like destroying something beautiful".
- Many men chanting "his name is Patroculus, his name is Patroclus" at his funeral.
- Achilles explaning the rules of The Trojan War while pacing in the middle of the battlefield.
- Hector riding in his chariot with a sage-like chariot driver, letting go of the reigns and embracing the crash.
- Hector realizing that Andromache thinks he is Achilles
- A Hector versus Achilles fight where Ed Norton beats himself up a lot and then drags himself behind his chariot, ending when Hector stabs himself in the head in order to kill Achilles.
- Hector and Andromache holding hands and watching dazedly from the mouth of the Trojan Horse as Achilles/Hector's ether monkeys raze Troy.
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