80-HD Birder-Bot-3000

Can you feel the Spooky Season yet? How about the rain? Maybe just the rain? As of the-week-before-Hallween, the switch may have been permanently flipped until spring! But it's been a wonderful run up to that!

October is my favorite month of the year and I am living it up! Ruining my arches! Giving myself headaches, and generally waking up with very angry hips and legs, but otherwise having a blast. I can breathe. I can open the windows. The trees are beautiful. The backyard birds are showing up en masse and the migratory birds are passing through. The crows are tearing the shit out of every lawn in sight. Halloween is redolent in the air!

What's not to love?

Last Saturday, I crossed a threshold: I went to an Audobon Society Migratory Bird Nature Walk! That's right, I have officially been Birding with a capital B (and that rhymes with C and that stands for Chickadee? Chickadee dee dee dee dee?) 

You may not have known this, but Chickadees are tiny tits! (They're in the tit family. Of birds. 
You goob)

I was originally planning on going by myself as part of my theoretical "weekend day off" (I'm supposed to get two a month, but pretty rarely manage). But then Allan wanted to come, despite having to get up earlier than on her in person school days. Rather extraordinary! This turned a little sneak away into a full flung family affair, which was actually quite cool!

 But also: The potential logistical complications exponentially increased! I often am pretty good (not great, but pretty good) at getting Allan out of the house with the essentials she needs, but this leaves mere shreds of executive function to keep track of my own stuff, so I am just as apt to exit the house with one shoe, no wallet, and pocket mostly full of random nuts and seeds. 

Getting up was not too bad - Allan was in excellent form - although the progress to actually arriving had some moments. 

The drive to Seward Park took just over twenty minutes, and the walk started at 8. I noticed that the walk started at a trailhead further into the park, so I mentally added about ten minutes to get there and figured we should leave around 7:30 (what many other people would call "7:15" because I don't always mean the same thing in this context). Which was more than enough time to have a few mistakes - like forgetting a jacket or... maybe driving to the wrong place! Which, yes, we did. Took a while to realize. 

 Still, Seward Park is only so big and we actually managed to arrive exactly on time at the correct location. Which definitely is my sweet spot. Not late, so I am not a failure as a person, but not early enough for the awkward milling around with strangers period either!

Introductions were made (group meet host, host meet group... no awkward ice breaker games required, except something about how far we travelled to get here as a segue into talking about how much birds fly during migration). 

Binoculars were passed out. People were taught how to actually use said binoculars. You've probably been doing it wrong, but I didn't pay attention, so you'll have to continue that journey on your own. I had my camera with the giant zoom lens, so I passed on the gear. I honestly don't regret this overall. The forest was pretty visually quiet, despite moments of pure cacophany. 

People were quizzed on their level of experience with "birding" (most of us "just liked birds," which seems a good pace for me). And we set off into some old growth forest that I never even knew existed in Seattle!

We wandered through the woods making various bird noises and pointing at rustling leaves without exactly zeroing in on actual binocularable birds. But we heard them all. And we learned a lot of choice avian information along the way - American robins aren't robins, for instance. 

We also unsurprisingly talked a lot about migration. Talk about a road trip! I mean I know it's flying, but the vibes are much more road trippy. I'm just saying. 

 After some concerted forest wandering, we came out by the shore. 

There, we discovered a goose without a white chin that nobody had ever seen before. And several regular geese that were dull by comparison. A few very ornery ducks as well! And of course, crows were in all the spaces making all the noises with the odd seagull to boot. 

Before that, we did an impromptu dissection of an owl pellet. Think this one was a vole.

On the way back to the car, we walked past a massive crow mobbing (not quite sure what predator they were after but there were tens to hundreds of them all cawing and sending out the signal!). 

We all remained rapt!

We came home, had lunch, and went out again to visit the crow-bros at the pond. I can't believe Allan is actually down for this these days! 

It's the time of year that the babies dig up all the lawns to eat grubs
 and leave behind giant dirt piles of devastation! My favorite!

While we were walking back to our cars, the guy who led the walk asked if we were newer or more established birders, trying to feel out if there was interest in birding classes for the general public. I have to admit I was very tempted to answer "oh, no, nothing like that. I just have ADHD and I got hyper fixated on crows a few months ago!"

Not going to lie, though, that dude knew a lot of cool stuff and it would be absolutely amazing to be a little more adept at identifying more bird calls than crow, seagull, pigeon, and chickadee dee dee (I am decent at kingfisher, jay, Towhee, and song sparrow as well, but not hugely confident).

Oh and hummingbirds which are basically just air seahorses - airhorses?

 I really dug the experience. It was absolutely joyful. Maybe, if they offer a class, I'll go to it! Assuming I haven't moved on to guinea pigs or learning to play the viola or whatever comes after this. 

But I am not sure I'll ever elevate to "birder." My understanding is this is a very serious title that involves a level of intensity that I'm not equipped to arise to for very long. Maybe let's just say ornithophile and/or or the ever popular "bird nerd." 

But I'll be cautious about it. As I always am these days. 

 

The thing about me is that I will get intensely excited about something for weeks to years, but eventually, the juice will dry up every time, and I know this. It's actually a bit of an isolating thing for somebody who struggles with community and friendships in general. Because a lot of interest-based groups really depend on you continuing to hold the interest. 

And not just hold it - because I will always have a soft spot for the study of human relationships, East Asian history, Russian history, any of the TV shows I've watched, any dance I've gotten into, any musical fandom, and so on and so forth - but you need to pass a certain litmus test of true believership that I simply have never consistently achieved. 

For the average person, an interest is stretched in small dabs over a looooong period of time. For the not-so-average person the interest becomes an identity and it endures strongly. I personally tend to just binge it, suck it dry, and then mellow out. Sometimes really fast. I'll rocket through any beginner phase, reach a level of intermediate expertise quite rapidly, hold steady near full expertise for a fluctuating period, begin to entertain doubts and other temptations, and then cease to maintain focus. It'll still be fondly regarded, but it won't be "me" anymore. Not exactly. 

 It can last a long time, music being my raison d'etre for many long chunks of life, or it can take a few months. But eventually, I will move on. I imagine most people do this as well to some extent. But it can happen very rapidly, and- always aware that I will move on - I always seem to have one foot out of any identity that an interest brings for me.

Squirrel! The story of my life in multiple messy parts!

For about five or six years of my childhood, I was obsessed with ballet. My room was covered in decorative ballet shoes. I went to the PNB as often as I could. I watched ballet performance videos for fun. I had a barre and mirrors. I took classes from multiple teachers (secretly - the politics are crazy in the dance world even when you're 12). I took several classes a week.

 This was all my choice. My parents were very hands off and even skeptical about whether it was good for me to be getting into pointe as early as I did. It was my passion and essential to my identity. I quit my other sports to focus on it. But then midway through twelve years old, I quit ballet too. Never looked back. 

That's probably not very uncommon for kids, but it's a pattern that I experience repeatedly and which I'm always aware of as I get excited about any particular thing. 

In more mature times, I wrote the award-winning paper on Opium Culture in The Twentieth Century after being known as one of the more "passionate" students (delightful to teachers, intense to other students) in the East Asian studies program... and then I decided to go Buenos Aires a couple of times to study tango instead of to China to study Chinese and then I decided to fuck it all and go to Law School instead of History or anything to do with Asian culture. 

I got quite serious about tango for a handful of years - regularly driving to Seattle, visiting San Francisco, becoming a fairly serious dj with thousands of songs, and teaching lessons out of a few studios - before getting tired of the snobbery and a little bored with the same old same old, got more into blues and then got intensely into blues - going to house parties, attending several practicas a week, and getting very close to moving into a "blues house" - until I started getting tired of the quiet politics in those groups, and eventually decided that all those events happened too late at night anyways. And, again, it was fast when I just decided I didn't need it anymore. 

That was probably a blessing given how my body imploded. I definitely would have gone back as a casual dancer if I could have, and it breaks my heart not to be able to do that, but it's not the same complete loss of identity it would otherwise have been. 

Same with running. (though not before I gave myself some really amazing toe bang and plantar fasciitis). Same with mediation, which absolutely dominated my law school experience both in clinics, externships and employment. Same for family law, for which I got scholarships and worked on text book research for adoption. 

 In lighter moods, I was obsessed with Agatha All Along for a few months, but I came to find that 6 rewatches was actually enough for me, I don't think Kathryn Heigel and Aubrey Plaza need to date in real life, I'm still pretty straight, I really don't think the ending worked that well and could we stop trashing more conventional Marvel shows?

 Earlier, I spent a month listening to every single thing Britney Spears ever wrote, reading her history, watching her documentaries and making a massive major playlist with detailed notes... then I moved on to Beyonce. I am never quite "a fan" and I can feel a bit like a constant tourist.

Despite being a homebody, always a bit migratory!

 I always know there's more to life because my life is a mosaic of all the things I've ever hyperfixated on and a bunch of more casual hobbies that I hold onto so that I'm not totally adrift when one obsession fades before the next has emerged. And I know there's going to be a next thing, because there's always a next thing, so I know it's just a matter of time. 

Sticker wall of all my thangs!

It's a place where I think I get a bit divided from groups of neurodivergent folks, at times. Because I do think that a lot of the intensity comes from other, well, "intense" people. 

Which is strange because passion hopping is such a classic ADHD behavior. 

Wait I don't just suck as a person? This is actually kind of a thing? I mean I know that, but I'll never not feel guilty about my complete inability to follow through on pretty much anything in which I show passion or promise. I say this as somebody with a J.D. so I did kind of force myself through by hopping from legal interest to legal interest. But I feel like I do not know how anyone fully just commits to basically anything and I feel pretty embarrassed about it! But hey, apparently, the chemical imbalances in my head made me do it!

This particular boom-bust-of-interest is often talked about in terms of ADHD and romance: there's a trope that ADHD people are prone to hyperfixating on their partner at first - essentially a more benign form of love bombing without the same nefarious intentions of an abuser or narcissist. 

And trust me, when we focus on something, damn you get poetry and symphonies and sonnets and fucking universes like you never seen before! Nobody loves as fully as a hyperfixated ADHDer. Maybe it's crows. Maybe it's a special somebody. The mechanism is pretty similar. 

The chronic problem that comes up from this in actual relationships is when the fixation abates and the focus turns elsewhere. KPop Demon Hunters liked my money but overall couldn't give a shit that I decided to hear other music. People might feel differently. 

This often happens fairly abruptly. If they aren't familiar with the pattern, the partner who was once the recipient of an intense level of attention and adoration may feel crazy pain and alarm at the marked change. They may wonder what on earth they did wrong?? Even if they did know what to expect, they may want the old version of their partner back.

 The ADHDer may bail for the next shiny thing, but it's not always that tidy. Just because focus gets diffuse, doesn't mean the love is gone. Just as likely - and this is where it gets tricky - the person still feels attached to the other person and feels distressed that their attachment figure is reacting so negatively. 

To them, this is just a natural progression of relationships (and interest) in general, so they maybe can't even understand the distress. But they may also feel shame. They may feel defensive. Nobody wants to be treated as a disappointment. And also, nobody wants to become hundreds of times less interesting and not even know why. It can be challenging for everyone. 

(Yes, most people do this to an extent, which is why it's a helpful analogy to understand my ebb and flow of interests and passions. Yes, we mostly all have a New Relationship Energy phase that fades into a more attachment-based phase... 

...Also, we all pee, but if you pee a hundred times a day it might have a different impact than 8-10 times a day, and it may indicate a different pathology... And that's basically why, no, we aren't actually all a little ADHD or autistic or pregnant or diabetic whatever. 

The point is that the cycle is atypical in its intensity and the rapidness of the change in interest and this causes unique distress and conflict compared to a typical cycle)

 Either way, it's a classic challenge discussed by all manner of ADHD coaches, relationship therapists, Neurodivergent group pages, and the like. Because it comes up a lot and can cause a lot of hurt and pain on all sides if it isn't understood. Also, the love bombing phase itself can put off plenty of  non autistic/ADHD people off in the first place, but that's a different issue. 

Obviously not every person with ADHD does this. And it might not be with every person for those who do. It's just a trope for a reason.  

I don't think I have done that in actual romantic relationships as I tend to have masked too heavily and been too self-conscious in the first place. Not saying I'm not a terror in my own unique ways, because I imagine I am. 

... I think. 

I really can't say. I think my innate tendency towards anxious attachment and rejection sensitivity eclipses whatever passion hopping tendencies I have anywhere else. 

 It really hasn't come up, because I'm extremely wary of opening up to other people. So, once I get attached, I get really and persistently attached. And if I don't feel safe opening up, then I never go through that big feels phase in the first place. 

Not to say I didn't used to get damned limerent or that I haven't had absolutely crushing crushes, but they usually were unobtainable people.

In the land of conceivably requited, I tend to cling to people once they feel safe and am - I dunno - autistic enough that I never quite lose an interpersonal fixation once it's on until it is irreversibly off and it's been several more years of processing that. 

That said, I once had a real penchant for (1) people who were as INTENSE as I actually am, and (2) people who give off attraction cues that are so unsubtle my undiagnosed autistic ass could actually pick up on them, so I've dated a lot of people who in hindsight had the good ol' ADHD. As such, I've experienced it from the other side... so I can say it is definitely a real thing. 

 Having the memory of when somebody was just that much more into you can be a hard thing to reconcile with feeling loved by them in quieter ways, especially when you also dance a dance or two with rejection sensitive dysphoria. 

I suppose it's a comforting thing to hold onto in hindsight. Still, it would have been nicer to understand in the moment that what felt like rejection wasn't me (because being high masking, having people figure out I don't live up to my social projection and am ultimately a disappointment is also an experience in my life). More, it was just somebody else's neural wiring playing out in reality and mixing with mine. 

Am I saying I have sympathy for my long line of prior special interests? Maybe. I'm gonna admit, I feel kind of guilty that I wasn't in it for forever with some of these things. Like I let the interest or the subject down. Who knows.

But also maybe my own path has given me better sympathy for the people who loved me differently over time and whom I maybe pushed away for not loving me the way I had come to expect. And I wish I'd have had the language to work through that in more productive ways in the past. 

And it's helpful to me to know that my patterns are my neural structure and not simply a character flaw. Because I do fall in love, absolutely head over heels in love with ideas, topics, music, tv, etc. And I absolutely experience a full throttle New Relationship Energy with them before things either sour or settle into a more sustainable interest. 

I don't stop loving every interest I've ever loved, but it's going to change, usually a little abruptly.

Definitely seems like a thing and why there's a real "jack of all trades, master of none" sort of vibe. 

I don't think I'm alone here!!! But it's probably hard to get a nice unity group here based on not being able to ever stick to one topic long enough to successfully group up!

 Pure autism, of course, is characterized by more lifelong interests, so it's not surprising that my spin-hopping is a little alienating from that community. But you would think ADHD is full of people like me - going all in and then all out in a mercurial fashion. And I'm sure that's true. Perhaps we just intersect at random times? I know plenty of ADHD/AuDHD people who found an interest and stuck with it through thick and thin for years. Even made careers out of their interests. And they absolutely dominate online fandoms.  So who knows?

For me, once I've done a thorough deep dive and a few good follow ups (and once group dynamics sink in) it's often hard to stay engaged. 

Still love the movie, but zero interest in the singalong and not actively seeking the soundtrack

 

Not all of that is my brain braining its braininess in that nomadic way. There's also a social component. Ultimately people are people and no matter how inclusive any group begins as (oh you get intense about things? me too! That's ok!!! That's fun!!!), it often reverts to some form of exclusive/inclusive us-v-them hierarchy (oh you like Stars of the Scarlett Ring? I've watched it ten times today, you? Do you have a tattoo of your favorite character like me?? This obviously happened this way, were you not paying attention at all??? No real fan likes XYZ about the SoR franchise).

It becomes a constant stream of reactivity and ever more complex signaling and counter-signaling. Constant alignments. People get into, say, tango and then quickly choose a specific real tango shoe as a signal you aren't just a ballroom dancer coming in with your fugly ballroom shoes, then a group of tangueros decide this is snobby and the real marks of a good dancer are practice flats and dance sneakers and instead of dressing up you dress down but only in certain athletic gear and harem pants that still show a little leg and shoulder. 

I don't care, they're still pretty!

Then people get snarky and judgy about people who don't conform to all the right signals and signs. Or, they just avoid anybody who doesn't look right. Little cliques form within cliques. Everyone gets a table. Folks cast themselves as insiders versus outsiders or outsiders-turned-insiders to the point that every whirl around the floor involves an elaborate communal scrutiny. I get that you want to dance with somebody complementary to your style, but sometimes it seems like the actual dancing is no longer the point. 

Or... People form a group to talk about The Acolyte in a safe space where they aren't pestered by the Fandom Menace, but then they evolve their own orthodoxy and suddenly you'll be mobbed by a pack of fans if you dare to suggest the show wasn't 100% perfection in every way and maybe the direction didn't get the best performance out of Amandla Steinberg (which is not to say they aren't a fabulous actor) or struggled with editing, but it is possible to be critical from other sources than pure racism or douchiness! Isn't it?

Any time there are people. Things just get intense. And irrational. Group Thinky. And knee jerk. And yeah, it's always just some people. But it's usually the people who care the most and express the most. I want to say I can ignore it, and at times I pointedly do, but it does change the vibe. 

I haven't even waded into birding, and I've already seen plenty of attitude when somebody asks the difference between a birder and a bird watcher (they are different; do not, I repeat do not confuse them). 

Maybe I'm just sensitive to falling short or dealing with rejection, or maybe it's more principled. But I don't like taking my joys and making them competitive or a cause for superiority. It sucks an essence from them and hints at demands that make me very avoidant. I was raised to be deprecating about my talents and my passions, whether I like it or not. 

 It's hard to be casually into something, because I'm just not very casual. But it's also hard to get that seriously into something, because people are tiresome at that level and enjoying something with other people is part of enjoying something. 

Which is to say, I'm always very self-conscious about being excited about things from both ends. Yes, I get way too into things by normal standards, but also I don't get into things enough or with enough commitment from a different standard! Always the odd one out!

Of course - just like I'm perpetually fascinated with human relationships - fandoms and social groups become a special interest all their own right, but that's a whole different thing.

At any rate. I am happy to have found an interest that - for the time being - is relatively interesting to hear about for many of the people I love. It's always sadder when it really doesn't connect with anyone, and I've definitely had those interests. Nothing is lonelier! I physically and spiritually need to strew my "fun facts" a bit and have people maybe zone out but at least occasionally find something cool they can hold onto! I need to be excited with somebody -anybody - who sees me and sees my shinies! I assume that's always the excitement of fandom and shared interest groups before it gets complicated. 

My ideal social sweet spot is basically having friends who get excited about things I'm maybe not personally obsessed with but find interesting and vice versa and that this just keeps happening as we find new things to geek out over into infinity! 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyways... (now tired of thinking about that I will abruptly segue as is my style!)

The rest of the week has been pretty chill. Andrew celebrated his last day working in his "home office" with us. I bought him a cake because nobody else was going to. Then we all ate it. And that was the fanfare.

He subsequently took off  for Asheville, so Allan and I could practice our new home-office-sans-Andrew vibe. Honestly it's gone a lot more smoothly now that Allan's older, but she's still not quite old enough to leave home alone for any long period of time and we don't have a lot of friends well equipped to help out if needed, so I always worry that some medical emergency will come up for me that really requires another nearby adult. But, well, fingers crossed, we've made it through the week!

Going to be a lot harder gettting out to take pictures with my absolutely giant camera for the next while but we'll keep an eye out for clearing! And the crow bros will get peanuts whenever they deign to fly by!

Happy week to Halloween!!