Northampton!

My trip to Northampton seems to be shoehorned in between an earthquake and a hurricane, which is only appropriate for the momentousness of my first real trip back to the only other place that I legitimately think of - occasionally - as home.

 I find it funny that when Dan introduced me, he did so as his "high school friend" or his "friend from Washington." This is probably because in some ways the explanation implies that I have no inherent connection to the location aside from him being there. In some sense, that is true, as he was the agent for my eventual residence here, but many of my connections with the place evolved independently from that point. I suppose perspective is a funny thing: when we were in highschool/Washington, our friendship seemed like an ephemeral one of convenience which gelled into something more lasting during the roommate/coworker phase. To me, he will be "my old roommate" and associated with Noho far more than highschool for these reasons.But yes, nonetheless, I am here.

Thank goodness! When I got my rental car, I cultivated some doubts about getting here. It's an automatic, for which I have no love in general. It is also far smarter than me and much of my trip's beginnings alternated between swerving to find the appropriate toll lane, and attempting to figure out previously simple-seeming tasks such as adjusting mirrors and turning on the windshield wipers. These converged at toll booths where, lacking the instinctual understanding that automatics set in "drive" will do so regardless of whether the gas pedal has been used, I managed to roll slowly through the toll areas while attempting to fish out final quarters. It is a miracle I am alive and have almost figured out the various locking features on my key ring. Only occasionally do I accidentally jam on the break as my left foot blindly gropes for a clutch... still, too much car and too little control for me, I think.

Dan's boyfriend, Rin, is lovely. He's delicately built with a genial manner. Dan looms over him, due both to his height and the mountain man beard and mien that he has taken to nurturing. In many ways, it may be the most conventional relationship that Dan has ever been in - Rin fits the "feminine" role far more comfortably than any of Dan's girlfriends had, and Dan in turn has embraced the "masculine" with none of the hesitant awkwardness once permeating his interactions. Either way, they seem happy, and Rin makes a mean gingerbread pancake waffle. I rather like him and give any man who can pull off skinny jeans, orange nail polish and pointy cowboy boots extra props. 

Although I haven't spent too much time socializing beyond the Dan-Rin circle, I did yesterday manage to visit with the two "romantic" entanglements that I'd formed in Northampton. I put that in quotes because I'm never quite sure what defines such a term. The word seems both overblown and underwhelming to the context here. In sum it's all a squishy gray area, but for the sake of easily categorizing, we will stick with a familiar term and quibble less about precise semantics. 

 The first was a good friend of a good friend I met on a visit back in 2002. Somewhere along the way, I misconstrued a physical connection and general getting-along for something more intense in light of a desperation and depression inherent to that age. Because I was just pushing 20 - and thus a mellow-dramatic moron as we all are at that age - this small error in judgment was rather cataclysmic for my thinly spread psyche, and had more than a few uncomfortable consequences for all involved. The whole thing commenced slightly before I moved here and had little ripple effects throughout my stay (including ultimately bringing me to my next entanglement), although it evolved into something of an awkward but sincere friendship long before I left. 

As is true of many of many people I enjoy, he is just introverted enough that our interactions frequently require a third person in order to emerge from a sort of pensive silence punctuated by briefs head nods and the occasional outbreak of attempted chatter. Still, we really do share a similar something when perceiving the mad rush of the world around us. And he has an older-brother vibe that has always made me gravitate towards him as a unified front at larger gatherings. He is a bit of a calm within a storming world. The fondness I feel for him is enduring and increadingly sororal. We sat on his porch together and he chatted with Dan and smiled at me for a shared laugh or two. It was... pleasant. 

The second was something else entirely. An exceptionally close friendship and unprecedented connection, probably working up to emotional affair. Mutual chemistry and curiosity about the exact contours of a unique but amorphous connection eventually hit up against the boundaries of his more unambiguous relationship. No lines were crossed in concrete terms, but certainly there was an unsustainability to it all that required a significant separation for the sake of his relationship (with a little heartbreak on a variety of levels). There was mourning and learning and moving forward more than moving on.

 For a long time I thought we couldn't be friends because that other part would always be overwhelming, and this broke my heart. Thank god for the sophistication of adulthood. Though I doubt I was ever much of a threat, I still feel awkward or preemptively apologetic around his wife who has since been nothing if not hospitable. I suspect at this point she's got enough years in the relationship etc. to feel pretty damned secure.  I'll admit to self-consciously changing into one of my boyfriend's old t-shirts and a bra instead of the flimsy "I taught your boyfriend that thing you like" tank I had been wearing before going over to their house, though just because... 

 It was deeply enjoyable to reconnect with him and his wife and to become acquainted with their kids. I felt some major bittersweet twinges to read to and play with their children last night as the adults messed about with supper and household things. To watch him fully inhabit this new (to me) fatherly role. Watching this person I love/d all grown. It's cool to see people you care about thriving, even if there's a flinching hue of "...in ways I couldn't share."

At any rate, both are about 5 years my senior (and thus that much further along their chosen paths). Both worked at that same factory job as me, and it is funny to see how differently their life-paths have diverged. The first has quit his long standing job at Hot Mama's to go into "early retirement" (mostly mucking about off savings, playing multi-player online games, and hosting music and literary events). The second is the quintessentially-married father of two,  working his way slowly to his dream profession in one of those grown up professional type jobs that I can't say I could actually define in any manner but which uses skills that impress me regardless. 

Really, they're both where they should be at this point. It works for both of them in different ways - more and less status quo respectively than when we all knew each other, I suppose.At least in line with their stated intentions all along. My tastes evolved quite a lot in that couple of years, it seems. 

One of the funny things about being this age is keeping up with the people who once stirred heart break, tears and fireworks, and watching these raw emotions mellow and evolve into a deeply stable affinity. I wish I could describe it more accurately, but I suspect we all have ex-loves who have become friends of the sort that are neither particularly close (or at least wisdom teaches us to keep at a slight distance as a matter of cautious reflex), nor ever capable of being particularly distant.

 Our lives are often in different enough places that I don't know how we have anything to say to each other any more, and yet there's a scintilla of understanding that is shared with a very few that makes even an awkward conversation oddly grounding and allows a resumption of dialogues and mannerisms that feel like home without the necessary context of time or common evolution. 

And also odd to sanguinely accept that there are some things that do not need to be discussed and "closure" is a protean concept that cannot be forced by full disclosure about things long passed albeit well remembered (except in blogs, because the B in blog stands for Beating a Dead Horse, of course!!).

I have done a few more things here and there (CONAAAAAAN - not a fine film ultimately), but I suppose I'm mostly entranced by a sense of familiarity blurred by passing time that occurs absent nostalgic or maudlin longing. There's a reaffirming feel about facing only wisps and ghosts of a past without losing the connection to the present. It has its sadness as well. But largely, it wraps the passage of time in some semblance of cohesion and makes the fleeting feel permanent.