Marathon Con Traspie: Tinier Furrier Female

Oh hull BACK TO SCHOOL!

In honor of the occasion, Allan requested some "epic music" so she's listening to the Star Wars main theme while taking a test on predicates and subjects.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I have no idea how that all's going to go, but I'm sure it'll be a breeze to pry the locked down cell phone with messaging capability out of her cold very much alive hands for all 7 of our "school hours". Also, a variety of nice adults who've been drawn into to various messenger groups to play various complex games made up ad hoc by the gamemaster herself... will have to work or something during the day!

But enough about the future pupil. Let's talk about the other tiny female in our lives. She is looking forward to not going back to school and continuing to sit on the other less-tiny female's lap for most of the day. Yay homeschool!

Froggy came to our house sometime in the past three or four years, after a blood test erroneously claimed I had no allergies at all (har har, about that). Within the three days it took to realize that I was in fact allergic, Andrew and Froggy had formed an irrevocable bond and I didn't really want to get a divorce based on the cat, so... we decided to bathe her and turn up the air purifiers.

Over the years, Froggy has become more and more Allan's cat. Or Allan's little sister. Or Allan's very complex codependent queer platonic partnership that seems to waffle between days of cuddling punctuated by hours of the cat yeowling and hissing because Allan has decided Froggy needs to be made into "a lump" by being wrapped in a blanket and poked. Better than a few years ago, where she literally attempted to drag the cat by her tail (we were a no on that one).

I've given Froggy encouragement to scratch and bite as need be for many years, but she's only recently started getting her licks in. Cats seem very aware of youthfulness in humans and tend to avoid antagonizing young children. At least Froggy does.

Froggy doesn't care for me.

Largely this is because she doesn't understand it when I say "sorry cat, I'm allergic to you" and simply sees constant rejection when she tries to step into my lap. Admittedly I'm not always so cordial.

Even more so, it's because she's a jealous little thing. While she is all "free love" when it comes to Allan, Froggy is very possessive of Andrew, and views me as a threat. She will start yeowling if she's on his lap and I come near him. I kid you not. We sit on opposite ends of the couch as distant as possible most of the time and I still get a lot of feline side eye.

Yes, I am considered a high level threat.

Which makes no sense, because in every regard, Froggy won that battle. Andrew and I will be sitting all snug together and Froggy will walk by an make a meowing sound. Andrew will pat his lap and make room for Froggy to join, and I'll have to slink to the other side of the sofa. So I feel the choice was clearly made at least a few years ago and Froggy should be a better sport about things.

But I am not without utility for Ms Kitty. I am the food giver. It's a fraught relationship.

Froggy gets "a treat" every day. Wet food. When we first adopted her, we were told to give this stinky lil treat to her between 2 p.m. and 5 p.m. Turns out she starts demanding wet food somewhere between 9 a.m. and noon, depending on her wont. If she gets it too early, she will develop kitty amnesia about 2 to 5 and demand it all over again on her original schedule.

So we've hit a compromise of 11 a.m. Which is to say, I've hit a compromise of 11. Froggy feels like she should get her food whenever she damned well wants, to which I say "ok, kitto, develop some of those opposable thumbs then and do it yourself."

Now a thing to know about me is that I am obsessed with time. Many autistic people care a lot about their rituals and schedules but give a rat's tush about time. Many are even time blind. I am not that person. If you tell me to be somewhere at a certain time, I will move heaven and earth to be there exactly then.

If you're running late, I will probably act cool, but secretly hyperventilate and make up an excuse to leave as soon as humanly possible.

If I'm running late, I will feel myself in mortal peril.

If you tell me you'll be back in 5 minutes, I will take that literally and be flummoxed when you saunter in 13.25 minutes later as if you hadn't just rent the very threads of reality with your blatant falsity.

For me to feel balanced and calm, things must happen on a very consistent schedule.

(well...

...Except when they don't, because I am also ADHD and feel repressed by anything too rigid.

(But that's got to come from within. Not from a screaming cat.) )

Her desire for wet food varies a lot. Ranging from totally forgetting it until afternoon to waking me up in a hangry rage. We typically begin our daily negotiations some time between 9 and 10.

When she wants her food, she starts a war, and I'm pretty sure she's willing to outright murder me if I do not eventually comply. I mean this.

Worse still, she meows a lot.

Froggy's meow has a particular timbre that gives me epic misophonia only rivalled by snoring. (We will not talk about my Princess and the Pea inability to drown out or mitigate the effects of a bed partner breathing, because it's absurd and not particularly cat related... I'll give Froggy one thing, and that's that she doesn't seem to snore and if she does, she still lacks the cleverness to open my bedroom door at night when I'm sleeping to let me know about it).

Torture aside, I cannot fathom feeding her early, and the bigger PITA she is about it, the less I ever want to. I start out very politely telling her "I'm sorry Froggy, but it isn't time yet. You have a half hour until feeding time, but I promise I'll feed you then!" This usually doesn't work, but I persist about as long as I have the spoons to keep chill about it. I try to remain in this vein, but I'm not gonna lie: I've gone to hide in my bedroom or just skidded straight into a meltdown sometimes.

Nowadays, Allan's always home, so I mostly just yell out sweetly, "Allan, Froggy seems bored. Please entertain her"