Still not dead yet?
Not even really all that thoroughly diagnosed yet. That's not true. I got a diagnosis early on - underweight prolly dehydrated - and it's sticking through the other testing whether it satisfies me or not.
Having returned my Ziopatch and let some complex algorithm review all my daily rhythms, I've been declared "not really out of the ordinary." I'm hurt. I was hoping for FUNKY PHUNKY ALL NIGHT LOOOOONG. Or something. Like "exquisitely syncopated with a cheeky rubato."
Anyways, this is comforting and frustrating at the same time. On the one hand, not one of those anecdotes in which I get called in upon results to get an emergency ablation immediately! Because that would have been less fun and logistically complicated with the nursling.
On the other... I had symptoms of something while wearing the patch. I pretty much still do on and off. Granted the holding theory that it's a long road to recovery from low weight maybe malnourished dehydration (that never actually medically shows up on anything) to normal.
And about that low weight. I'm not at all anymore. After a fairly impressive scurry up the scale (I didn't add water weight as much as I gained a subdermal water bed), I've continued to gain steadily if at a slightly less staggering rate. I'm mid-range healthy at this point and counting.
Mind-boggling how accommodating athleisure is to fluctuations in weight. I'd guess I've now gotten about 20 pounds and at least an inch and a half on my summer low. And my most structured clothes are starting to feel snug, but they do still fit.
(Yes, yes, I want to be totally cool and zen, but it is vertiginous gaining a ton of weight fairly quickly. I don't necessarily notice it and am surprised how little of a difference it makes in some ways, but it does trigger all kinds of alarm bells. I was really trying at first, but now I am just kinda doing my thing. And it makes me worry that some floodgate are opened and about what if I just keep gaining a few pounds a week for the rest of my life and suddenly I am now having health problems because I'm overweight??? And yes, I feel like I've checked off that box so I should be totally healthy because if I'm going to have a thick waist now - which appears to be the favorite spot for new distribution - I should have excellent health as a trade-off. But that's a different story).
I also had a stress test. This began quite appropriately by having to come a half hour early and then having wait for an hour because they were also "running late" not otherwise specified or updated. Talk about Adella-stress.
Before that, they prohibited me from eating within two hours of the test and from having chocolate the entire day before.
Next I thought they'd throw me into a room full of networking professionals, tell me that Andrew had lapsed into a coma, we'd lost our insurance and that I would need to get a job within the day or our whole family would be destitute and Chaya would be deported to... wherever our current administration is deporting small children these days.
The actual test was entertaining. The professionals were fairly incredulous about my low resting heart rate and low blood pressure as the test continued. Not in a "this is a problem way." But apparently I broke a record for "lowest blood pressure on phase one... looking good and not half dead." The test involved taking heart and blood pressure measurements in various positions: laying down, sitting, walking at a low speed and incline, and walking at increasing speeds and inclines in three minute increments. They mostly go to Phase Four, but people in my age and fitness group usually can squeeze to Phase Five (running a fifteen percent grade at some speed that makes you feel likely to go flying off the back). Apparently there too things responded appropriately. I was deemed to have excellent exercise tolerance and was further congratulated for my low blood pressure. They gave the proviso that this was not the official word but everything looked normal.
So, again, a relief. But, you know... A few days ago I felt horrible and my body did all those vague bodily things that bodies do and all I knew was that "it wasn't something that likely would show up on a Ziopatch." Then suddenly fine again!
I can so see why people turn to naturopaths and the like. You want to hear something concrete. Clearly I was/am not getting some things I needed/need. Blood work only said low vitamin D, "but not enough to cause those symptoms." A few electrolytes were in low normal, but given the low blood volume and saline it's really hard to say what that really means.
So in problem-solving mode I think "well maybe I have a magnesium deficiency." Then I realize "but magnesium can cause bradycardia!" Etc. etc. So you go to somebody who coaches you through it. And maybe allopathic medicine requires a little more rigorous review, but sometimes I just want to be told that if I have licorice tea and take algae supplements things will be better. At least as convincing as "gain some weight and drink more!" Which is definitely a holistic allopathic approach that's been played out over my life. Though I haven't given it the fairest of shots.
And, well, I've gained weight. I'm drinking more. I've had roughly the same amount of salt in the last two months that I've had in the year preceding probably. And blood pressure is still what it is and really always has been from my recollection. I do feel better than the lowest point for sure. But there were a lot of years before that where I was lower weight and not salted to the gills that I felt about this fine or better. Yes, yes, tipping points. Still: kvetch and cavil. Where's my licorice algae tea (wait licorice lowers blood pressure too maybe!)
Anyways, I suppose in light of that...
I've started eating fish. Because, I don't know. I guess when I first started trying to gain weight more ambitiously, my body didn't love it. So, I started reading about gaining weight and the only really helpful resources on the physiological effects of gaining weight from underweight were directed at eating disorders. Thought it was interesting that there's new research that eating disorders are so persistent and invasive because they rewire the brain. So even when you've "recovered" you habitually still make the same food choices you did when you were trying to lose weight. Rewards centers get kind of renovated apparently.
It did cause me to ponder about the concept of unnecessarily concrete dietary rules. Or holding onto dietary mores because they slowly become an intrinsic part of identity and ritual. I see that increasingly in a society that holds evermore complex dietary paradigms as moral paragons and class markers. We have so much to suggest that the healthiest people are those who eat fairly flexibly, with moderation in most things. But that's really an unsatisfying answer to life-the-universe-and-everything. Just like "love thy neighbor and don't start a Holy War" is apparently far less fun than dictating the way a ceremonial cup is held on a high holy day.
One of the reasons I fell into eating a low sodium, less processed, less fatty diet was that after a certain period of not eating those (read: law school when I was too stressed to eat and really did exhibit some pretty disordered eating and exercise behaviors) things, doing so made me feel really sick. Which I took as a sign that my body was just as happy not eating those things.
Apparently the body can sometimes be a bit like my toddler. It may tantrum when I coax it into the bath, but then two hours later, it's still splashing!
It appears there are ways that my diet can serve me better and there are ways to reacclimate to that. So still not really going to force myself to love maple bacon ice cream, per se. But certainly I've worked over some years to re-acquire a taste for fats and now salts. Do I sound like a broken record yet? How dated was that reference? Am I an mp4 looped on iTunes?
Which all got me to thinking about vegetarianism. I'm a largely vegetarian because I'm a vegetarian. I decided to become one way back in 4th grade because the idea of eating a living being creeped me out. Since then, my philosophies have become more or less sophisticated and I have less issue intrinsically with "living being." I grant some of the environmental arguments, but think there are plenty of ways to be far more environmentally sound. I'm not Buddhist and I'm not purist about it.
My body has completely acclimated against eating meat and meat products. The smell and taste and texture makes me gag. Not psychologically, but physically. Yes I can usually suss out products with meat even if I can't put a finger on why they make me feel icky.
Any kind of restrictive diet makes eating outside of your dietary bunker harder. It's harder to eat out when you don't like salty fatty foods. It's harder to eat at a friend's house when you're the only vegetarian and are thus not surrounded by clean eating tofu swilling seitans with lentil quinoa stews up their sleeves. You end up eating little and having to bring your own protein/nutritional supplements whatever. So it does impede your day to day life.
I disagree that vegetarianism is unhealthy and think there's a lot of mythology around that. People have ridiculous concepts about how much protein people need, for instance, and I've actually occasionally had quite a high protein diet based on plants. But I admit that there's a lot more planning and mindfulness to make sure I'm getting my omega-3s or enough B vitamins or what have you. Except for my Law School askesis, I've mostly been pretty comfortable with guzzling milk and eggs, so that's helped.
SO... reevisioning vegetarianism? I have no reason for being one exactly, except that it's some intrinsic part of my identity (but hey aren't eating disorders in a certain way?) and it makes me feel sick to try to eat differently.
And, I don't really see the argument for reintroducing meat. For not quitting meat, sure, there are plenty of arguments. If it brings you pleasure, I think a moderate portion of meat is healthy enough. But it's not healthier most of the time and I really do not enjoy handling, eating, or cooking it.
Anyways, epic sage abbreviated: I actually see a compelling argument for introducing seafood, healthwise. I'm not a strongly holding vegetarian on any particular point, but I like that there are fairly enough options for eating sustainably.
And I never really gave seafood much of a shot before I "turned" in fourth grade. Like none.
Turns out it doesn't really feel or taste like meat. It stinks sometimes. And I don't love prepping it yet. But there is some really good fish. I've had a pretty amazing simply grilled salmon. I've had the meat of Chaya's fishsticks. I've had shrimp in spring rolls. I've made a pretty amazing tuna salad with greek yogurt, lemon juice and dill.
I am not ready for sardines. We tried. I thought I'd even managed to pour enough complementary spices to cover the taste, but that smell just burrows into your nose and start kickboxing. I'm afraid of shell fish, still. But I am trying things out.
Wish me luck and then Smoke me a Kipper... I'll be back for Breakfast.
Though I'm not sure I'm up to kippers yet.
The actual test was entertaining. The professionals were fairly incredulous about my low resting heart rate and low blood pressure as the test continued. Not in a "this is a problem way." But apparently I broke a record for "lowest blood pressure on phase one... looking good and not half dead." The test involved taking heart and blood pressure measurements in various positions: laying down, sitting, walking at a low speed and incline, and walking at increasing speeds and inclines in three minute increments. They mostly go to Phase Four, but people in my age and fitness group usually can squeeze to Phase Five (running a fifteen percent grade at some speed that makes you feel likely to go flying off the back). Apparently there too things responded appropriately. I was deemed to have excellent exercise tolerance and was further congratulated for my low blood pressure. They gave the proviso that this was not the official word but everything looked normal.
So, again, a relief. But, you know... A few days ago I felt horrible and my body did all those vague bodily things that bodies do and all I knew was that "it wasn't something that likely would show up on a Ziopatch." Then suddenly fine again!
I can so see why people turn to naturopaths and the like. You want to hear something concrete. Clearly I was/am not getting some things I needed/need. Blood work only said low vitamin D, "but not enough to cause those symptoms." A few electrolytes were in low normal, but given the low blood volume and saline it's really hard to say what that really means.
So in problem-solving mode I think "well maybe I have a magnesium deficiency." Then I realize "but magnesium can cause bradycardia!" Etc. etc. So you go to somebody who coaches you through it. And maybe allopathic medicine requires a little more rigorous review, but sometimes I just want to be told that if I have licorice tea and take algae supplements things will be better. At least as convincing as "gain some weight and drink more!" Which is definitely a holistic allopathic approach that's been played out over my life. Though I haven't given it the fairest of shots.
And, well, I've gained weight. I'm drinking more. I've had roughly the same amount of salt in the last two months that I've had in the year preceding probably. And blood pressure is still what it is and really always has been from my recollection. I do feel better than the lowest point for sure. But there were a lot of years before that where I was lower weight and not salted to the gills that I felt about this fine or better. Yes, yes, tipping points. Still: kvetch and cavil. Where's my licorice algae tea (wait licorice lowers blood pressure too maybe!)
Anyways, I suppose in light of that...
I've started eating fish. Because, I don't know. I guess when I first started trying to gain weight more ambitiously, my body didn't love it. So, I started reading about gaining weight and the only really helpful resources on the physiological effects of gaining weight from underweight were directed at eating disorders. Thought it was interesting that there's new research that eating disorders are so persistent and invasive because they rewire the brain. So even when you've "recovered" you habitually still make the same food choices you did when you were trying to lose weight. Rewards centers get kind of renovated apparently.
It did cause me to ponder about the concept of unnecessarily concrete dietary rules. Or holding onto dietary mores because they slowly become an intrinsic part of identity and ritual. I see that increasingly in a society that holds evermore complex dietary paradigms as moral paragons and class markers. We have so much to suggest that the healthiest people are those who eat fairly flexibly, with moderation in most things. But that's really an unsatisfying answer to life-the-universe-and-everything. Just like "love thy neighbor and don't start a Holy War" is apparently far less fun than dictating the way a ceremonial cup is held on a high holy day.
One of the reasons I fell into eating a low sodium, less processed, less fatty diet was that after a certain period of not eating those (read: law school when I was too stressed to eat and really did exhibit some pretty disordered eating and exercise behaviors) things, doing so made me feel really sick. Which I took as a sign that my body was just as happy not eating those things.
Apparently the body can sometimes be a bit like my toddler. It may tantrum when I coax it into the bath, but then two hours later, it's still splashing!
It appears there are ways that my diet can serve me better and there are ways to reacclimate to that. So still not really going to force myself to love maple bacon ice cream, per se. But certainly I've worked over some years to re-acquire a taste for fats and now salts. Do I sound like a broken record yet? How dated was that reference? Am I an mp4 looped on iTunes?
Which all got me to thinking about vegetarianism. I'm a largely vegetarian because I'm a vegetarian. I decided to become one way back in 4th grade because the idea of eating a living being creeped me out. Since then, my philosophies have become more or less sophisticated and I have less issue intrinsically with "living being." I grant some of the environmental arguments, but think there are plenty of ways to be far more environmentally sound. I'm not Buddhist and I'm not purist about it.
My body has completely acclimated against eating meat and meat products. The smell and taste and texture makes me gag. Not psychologically, but physically. Yes I can usually suss out products with meat even if I can't put a finger on why they make me feel icky.
Any kind of restrictive diet makes eating outside of your dietary bunker harder. It's harder to eat out when you don't like salty fatty foods. It's harder to eat at a friend's house when you're the only vegetarian and are thus not surrounded by clean eating tofu swilling seitans with lentil quinoa stews up their sleeves. You end up eating little and having to bring your own protein/nutritional supplements whatever. So it does impede your day to day life.
I disagree that vegetarianism is unhealthy and think there's a lot of mythology around that. People have ridiculous concepts about how much protein people need, for instance, and I've actually occasionally had quite a high protein diet based on plants. But I admit that there's a lot more planning and mindfulness to make sure I'm getting my omega-3s or enough B vitamins or what have you. Except for my Law School askesis, I've mostly been pretty comfortable with guzzling milk and eggs, so that's helped.
SO... reevisioning vegetarianism? I have no reason for being one exactly, except that it's some intrinsic part of my identity (but hey aren't eating disorders in a certain way?) and it makes me feel sick to try to eat differently.
And, I don't really see the argument for reintroducing meat. For not quitting meat, sure, there are plenty of arguments. If it brings you pleasure, I think a moderate portion of meat is healthy enough. But it's not healthier most of the time and I really do not enjoy handling, eating, or cooking it.
Anyways, epic sage abbreviated: I actually see a compelling argument for introducing seafood, healthwise. I'm not a strongly holding vegetarian on any particular point, but I like that there are fairly enough options for eating sustainably.
And I never really gave seafood much of a shot before I "turned" in fourth grade. Like none.
Turns out it doesn't really feel or taste like meat. It stinks sometimes. And I don't love prepping it yet. But there is some really good fish. I've had a pretty amazing simply grilled salmon. I've had the meat of Chaya's fishsticks. I've had shrimp in spring rolls. I've made a pretty amazing tuna salad with greek yogurt, lemon juice and dill.
I am not ready for sardines. We tried. I thought I'd even managed to pour enough complementary spices to cover the taste, but that smell just burrows into your nose and start kickboxing. I'm afraid of shell fish, still. But I am trying things out.
Wish me luck and then Smoke me a Kipper... I'll be back for Breakfast.
Though I'm not sure I'm up to kippers yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment