Sweet Sixteen Months (of Merry Mayhem)

Our little toddle-waddle is nearing the eighteen month mark. Although she be but-bae, she is fiercely nobody's baby no more (and like hell is she staying in any corner anywhere). Kiddo is definitely growing up and getting busy with the cognitive capers. Just in time for Christmas! Trust me, our decorations are minimal, mostly outside, and fairly baby proofed on the inside.

Our tree this year is made of felt with an understudy of tinsel.

And where do we stand in the baby battle fronts? We don't stand, don't be silly! We run. We careen. We ping-pong. We hover near tall objects and point with great whiny elan until somebody helps us scale them. Stand? Ha.

But on the frontlines, we bring you the usual updates:

Boobs - mine, not Chaya's, are still producing baby juice. And counter to all expectations, Chaya is nursing more than ever. She does finish off about one sippie cup's worth of vanilla unsweetened coconut-almond milk and OJ. Yeah baby has specific tastes.

And mostly those tastes are pretty breastmilk intensive. I'm officially off the domperidone after an incredibly gradual wean. And waiting two weeks to see what happens. But so far, it's all still happening and Chaya's a little boobie monster. Her favorite new diversion is to nurse while I read a book to her. It involves many acrobatic contortions and some very deep concerns about mommy's safety as Chaya arabesques, suckles, points pokes, waves, and tries to turn the pages while perched on mommy's belly.  I'm sooooooooo glad I fought so hard for this breastfeeding relationship. Soooooo glad. No really, I am grateful we can still have this relationship. But sometimes, I think I missed my shot to ever wear turtle necks again.

Sleep! The eternal battle.

So you know how I was despairing of Chaya's wonky sleep schedule and feeling we were teetering but stuck at the precipice of the grand 2-1 nap transition? Pretend you do. Basically, seemed like she was almost ready to drop a nap. Then vacation happened and she pretty much dribbled, free-shot and tossed naps and sleep to the winds. We were recovering from that when she got a cold.  And...

It appears Chaya felt like it was time to go ahead and just fling herself into the abyss. I think her nasty cold has some part in this, but she refused her morning nap four straight days last week. So far, she's taken a relatively meaty afternoon nap to compensate. Of course I'm told there's no such thing as a pattern with toddlers. And I'm told that it's all meaningless until something has happened at least 2 weeks, but on the other hand... mamma kinda wouldn't mind just capitalizing on this time and figuring out the nap transition. And/or just going "cold turkey" - which appears to be Chaya's wont the last few days.

Really, I've tried. I've taken her up early/late. I've read to her in a dark room. Changed her. Crooned lullabies to her. And waited for her to whimper a little bit in the crib after she has just nearly nodded off. And thus far, it has typically yielded bupkis. Well, in fairness, it has yielded  a somewhat cranky morning baby who may yawn from time to time, but otherwise is fine right up until about 12:30.

We didn't quite want to spring this on Andrew, since early bedtime is often prescribed, but pushing her to stay awake until just around 1:00 has actually yielded a second nap that almost gets us to her usual nap time on a 2 nap schedule. She even broke her record length of an hour and forty-five minutes on the third day. The fourth day, she was back to an hour and forty-five. And on the fifth day, Chaya rested... or was so restive that she woke up at 5 a.m. and was actually willing to crash. Then a one nap day. Then a two nap day... And the merry-baby-go-round continues spinning. We'll see what the next day and week and month and years shall hold.

At this point, I believe we're in a holding pattern of double schedules. If Chaya wakes up early or seems really tired, she gets a morning nap, has lunch around 12:30, with a second nap some time between 1:30 and 2:00 p.m. If Chaya gets better sleep at night, she's more into a single nap. While we've been pushing it to 1:00, we're thinking that it probably doesn't make a huge amount of sense to push her to stay up sooooo long between waking up and her first nap. So in theory, her lunch will be between 11:00 and 11:30, and her nap will be around 12:00 or 12:30 p.m. We'll see. Today, it was 12:20. It'll all change tomorrow!

Who knows, but is is going to take some serious adjustment for mommy to transition from two to one naps. First, giving up that forty minutes in the morning. And then reclaiming the additional hour in the afternoon. I've managed the morning a little better. I can load Chaya into the back carry on the ergo while doing any chores that are fairly active. Lunch can be prepared while Chaya's distracted (read, in between tantrums, nursing, and running around tackling mommy). There will be some form of going out. But often by the afternoon, I do all my urgent chores in a half hour and spend the remainder of the time restlessly staring into the baby monitor and wondering what of the bajillion things I'd been planning to do for weeks might I do. I end up feeling overwhelmed and do nothing, usually.

The Toddlering of Bae-bae Chaychay:

Chaya is ambling and rambling, but not particularly verbal yet. That's not exactly representative. She's extremely vocal. Just not in any particular version of English. She does definitely say "DAH" for dog, followed by barking noises. "DAH" also refers to any furry quadrupede. She says "PUH" for snack, duh to the prevalence of rice puffs in said snack repertoire. She makes hooting noises for monkey. "BUUU" for boots. "BUUUUHHHH" for bath. Sometimes, she says "BAAAAAH" at stuffed sheep. And Naaanaaa appears to be banana. NUM or NUH seems to be "nurse"

More of her desires are expressed through moaning and pointing, which is moderately maddening. But it is amazing to watch all the little synapses fire.

She understands significantly more. She knows nose, eye, ear, coat, lunch, breakfast, Gramma Pam, Dadda, Mamma, fan, foot/feet, outside, up, balloon, down, duckies, belly-button and a variety of simple sentences like "Do you want to go turn on the lamp for mama?" or "will you help mama find your socks?"

She is also understanding more of human interactions. She definitely knows things are off-limits with me. And with daddy. And she'll continue to attempt trying these out with different people until she gets her way. We are, in other words, entering the early hinterlands of discipline! DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.

So far, this mostly means that there are some "rules" that we ought to be consistent about in order to spare a lot of confusion and anger. When Chaya understands something isn't allowed, she's far more accepting of it than when it's sometimes allowed and sometimes not. So I'm trying to start being more aware of what she can and cannot do.

A Few:

* You can climb on the chair by the light switch and the rocking chair and the sofa and your impromptu changing station. Mommy will help you do so. 

* You can play with the sink faucet while we wash your hands. You can stand on the step ladder to do so. But you cannot grab knives in the sink or the drying rack. You then go down. 

* You cannot climb into the sink. Once you try, you will go back down. 

* You cannot climb on the counter. We will not help you and if you try to do so while sitting on somebody's lap, you will go down. 

* You cannot have things from the shelves above the counter. We will not give them to you. You can't reach them. 

* You cannot touch the wireless router no matter which adult you enlist to help you stand on the chair next to the shelf it's on. You will go down and that chair will be removed. 

* You cannot have anyone else's cell phone (negotiable unfortunately in desperate times, if something needs to be done)

* It's really cool that you know where mama's eyes are. No poking in the eyes.

*Don't steal other children's toys or stick things in your mouth in front of other people for god's sake! Your mommy will be embarrassed and remove them from you. 

* Screaming and writhing will not excuse you from having a dirty diaper changed. But if you haven't nursed in a long time, you may nurse before. And you may have a toy to play with while it is happening. 

* Yes we can nurse a thousand times a day as long as mommy is warm and has her phone. No, we cannot nurse in the car when it's 28 degrees out after you just nursed for ten minutes in the store.

* You break it, I buy it. You don't get to break it. And if you do, you don't get to keep it. 

* Poking children or animals in their eyes while screaming is not ok. Eye gouging requires a quiet hummm

* No matter how much you hoot and holler, mommy will not give you glass containers or knives

* You can play with various plastic containers, bottles and pens, until you figure out how to get the caps off. After this, they are forbidden. 

* You can eat your food off the floor. But first we will sit down at meals. 

* You cannot eat gum or other obvious trash off the floor if we can help it. 

* If we are in public, mommy will try to hold your hand. 

* You cannot rip pages out of the books at the library. 

* You will be removed from an area if you try to grab cords or plugs. 

* While I would prefer you not eat mud, I recognize it will happen. You cannot eat or chew on rocks. 

* We will keep a distance from animals until their owners give us a go-ahead to touch them. 

* You can play with mommy's wallet... after she's taken her credit cards out of it.

I'm sure there are more. But you get the idea. At this point, it's not about punishing "wrong" behavior since that would mean nothing to her. Really, I don't think discipline ever is about retribution. It's more about creating a safe groundwork for interacting with the increasing complexities of the world around the Chaya beast. In a way that eventually will allow her to navigate spaces without parental intervention. But we're a long way from that. We're at the early stages of tantrums and transgressions. And just that wee hint of testing boundaries. I'm practicing my gentle parent affirmations in which I acknowledge Chaya's very big feelings of frustration, fear and anger, when a rule conflicts with her desires (and just generally). I'm holding her through tantrums and trying to juggle my desire to make space for her big feelings, while also finding distractions as appropriate. And I'm only sometimes flipping my toddler off behind her back.

New rule: well, I can't force you to wear clothes in the house, but can we at least start that way? And you're getitng a coat when we got out. Don't make me put you in turtleneck onesies. 

MomME:

For me, I'm slowly processing my return to persondom. It's a gradual process, but one with multiple levels of self-reflection. Chaya is now a teeny tiny person. And that means there is a self and other between us that immediately reasserts our own distinct identities. That has evolved quite gradually, but ever so distinctly. I am a certain assortment of things to her; I come with a set of impressions and expectations. They are distinct from other familiar figures.She will behave differently with me than another. She will behave differently with me even when there is another person around. And she demonstrates real intention in the way she interacts with each close figure around her.

Once you have another individual's version of yourself hovering in the ethos, you may return to contemplating your own essence. At least, it reasserts the awareness of one's self in a different way. Sure, I still tell myself that I need some self-indulgence or time with my husband "for the sake of the baby," but more often now I also sometimes just personally need some actual ME time because I want it and I need a break.

In addition to reevaluating my distinctive quiddity, I am reflecting on how I have changed. Inside and outside. But enough of the navel gazing (though mine is really weird looking these days and Chaya likes to poke at it painfully)

And I can say, I don't begrudge the physical change wreaked upon my once taut form. I'm actually gradually gaining weight as Chaya weans. Well, not really as she weans (given she has nursed roughly fifty bajillion times in the last 24 hours). As I feed her more, and more often. I've given up any pretense of making my own meals. I just eat her food. And she eats well. Fruits and veggies, legumes, whole milk products, seeds, nuts, fancy oats and teff and exotic grains and fruits, and all kinds of healthy fats snuck in there. For all of that.

 I will eventually (maybe) have the energy to regain some strength, but I also recognize that my body was not 100% healthy, and that it was hormonally all over the place. I intend fully to remind myself that gaining a little weight isn't a bad thing whenever I feel a mild sense of panic at the rising scale numbers. And, in my case, could be a good investment in long term health. It's amazing to think that even as I hover around the realm of underweight, I weigh about the same as I did prior to pregnancy. And that prior to pregnancy I had significantly more muscle. I must have had no body fat to speak of.

I don't bemoan a little weight gain. But I'd like a little say on how it comes back.

Mostly, I want my booty back! My junk has left my trunk. I hope it's a temporary shift brought on by breastfeeding. I know having a baby is worth any ravages on my vanity, truly. I enjoy the maternal rotundity of my PP belly. But I miss my Callypigian profile. And my poor hip-to-waist ratio has wasted away to something quite average. I am no longer Sir Mixalot's bag of tea.

Yes, my reemerging self-image is pretty much contained in superficialities at the moment. There's something fresh about this. Things with babies are awfully profound and weighty. So best to focus the personal weight on actual girth.

Wrapping up the wrapping season - hell no, I'm not ready for Xmas, but it'll happy. And for at least another year, Chaya won't know the difference. She'll have plenty to open up. Despite our promises to avoid too much stuff, none of us could resist buying gifts for Miss Chaya. She'll have plenty. And plenty of wrapping paper to throw over her head while she runs around the house screaming.

And, it being the end of a truly crazy year (inside and outside the nest), we have to have a little break to sip pumpkin spice lattes with our peppermint white chocolate M&Ms and say, "wow does the time ever fly."

May your days be merry and bright and may all your baby pics be right.

Merry Xmas from the toddle-waddle and her creaky crotchety handmaiden.

We approve of the Starbucks holiday cup this year.