Well it's beyond the time you knew you shoulda started on your grand baby-proofing journey (I hear the Mirena IUD works wonders when combined with a vasectomy and a few appropriately fitted condoms...).
Baby is mobile. Not that sort of loud grunting toilsome mobile. Not the sort where you can hear her tromping and straining to army crawl across the expanses. Not walking yet, thank god. But stealth crawling like a teeny tiny cheetah. And boy can you learn a lot about how tenuous the separation between our lives and instant death really is just by following the little one around the house for a day. Babies seem to have hazard radar.
And so, after all that diligent preparation, you find yourself woefully ill-prepared? No worries. There's time to catch up.
1. Buy a kit. Actually, you probably did this before baby even started crawling. I'm sure that you've hit the lowest common denominator and covered most of the exposed plugs (by now, you've probably even moved a lot of your electronics out of the really exposed areas. The kit will also have several bumpers for pointy furniture edges. Some latches for the doors. A few of those awful things you put over doorknobs to render them inutile. Some "appliance locks" which confuse and terrify you.
2. Realize the bumpers for pointy furniture don't stay on the corners of anything. Deem them teething toys, after baby co-opts them. Call it good.
3. Eschew the doorknob destroyers. that's a ways off, knock on wood.
4. Consider the safety latches, feel overwhelmed at how many drawers and cupboards you own. Realize that screwdrivers and mangling furniture is involved. Panic. Put that off as well. Fear the latches that keep the toilet and other appliances closed. Why do you think they'd just lead to accidents? Promise you'll keep the baby gates (when they exist) and all the bathroom doors closed at all times.
5. Instead of installing safety latches, move all of the heavy objects and hazardous materials out of the lower shelves onto the topmost shelves that you can barely reach. Fill bottom shelves with towels, wrapped and sealed foods ("toys"), and actual baby toys. Call it good for another few months.
6. Baby gates! You probably ordered those a while ago too. In fact, they're mostly stashed behind the sofa. Baby has crawled on them repeatedly. She's even climbed up the stairs to bat at them from a taller vantage point.
7. Think about trying to put them up when baby is napping. Misunderstand instructions and believe wall-screwing (oh my!) is involved. Panic. Beg your husband to help out.
8. A week later, not wanting to feel like a nag, but starting to think that putting baby at the far end of the room and running to the bathroom to get a headstart is not ideal. Find it still a little awkward to bring baby into the bathroom with you, since she inevitably still tries to climb up on you in between attacking the plunger and the toilet paper. And lose stomach for the wails of recrimination involved when baby is placed in the nefarious Plastic Maiden (i.e. "her bouncer") when mommy heeds the call of nature. More pointedly request that husband "at least" do the one bottleneck that leads to the stairs and baby's future Jack and Jill gymnastics. Insist he needn't do all three. Attempt to stop him again after he's well into the second one a wee bit past bedtime. Thank him profusely, but tell him to go to bed. Leave the third and most complicated (but least necessary) one for some future date.
9. Discover that baby gates are the best baby toys ever. Spend several hours on the opposite side of baby feeding her freeze dried blueberries while she cage dances. Help baby step over the little door threshold. Thank the lord that there is now something sturdy and non-pointy that baby likes to climb.
10. Move furniture. Heavy furniture goes in front of wires. Tape down bubble wrap on the mantle place. Tap cords shoddily down in a way that just attracts baby. Keep moving furniture. Use an old baby hat to tied a cabinet shut.
11. Decide that the death machine rocking chair and swaying bouncer are good for baby's balance.
12. Follow your baby around at (almost) all times. Say inane things like "careful!" and "is that a fun thing to climb?" between "Hmmm how can we get you away from that without a massive temper tantrum... how about this piece of trash? Would you like a nice safe piece of trash?"
13. Realize that the Amish had a good idea getting all wires and cords out of their lives. Amish baby proofing must be significantly easier.
14. Get yourself into a thorough snit fit over the internet outrage (mostly by men you notice) against the mom whose baby climbed into the gorilla pit. While ranting about this off-the-charts insipidity, hear a loud THUD and baby sobs for the twentieth time of the day.
15. Feel relief that baby doesn't seem that close to standing. Declare a momentary break and spend your days following baby around retrieving her from deadly situations. Consider investing a bale of bubble-wrap and a nice comfortable baby leash.
No comments:
Post a Comment