Suddenly SAHM's Skirmishes in the Never Never Naplands

As the year turned and daddy fled for the slopes, SLEEP TRAINING sent mommy to and away from the mat. No more TKO on the sleep regression samba, the crib came out. And it was good. There was victory. Single mom alone at home survived and flourished. Finally. 

But though they first came for the nighttime sleeps... they next came for the naps... oh the naps... 

Sleep War Nap Incursions

Chaya will not let go of that sleep deprivation without a fight! We take the nights, she'll destroy the naps...

Yesterday morning was a blessing. A happy, well rested baby! Shocking. She took a while longer to fall asleep in the boba, and woke a half hour earlier, but she was still happy and bright and,,, and then she struck. The early afternoon nap went down in flames at forty minutes. She woke up unhappy and stayed on the edge until a dazed trip through Freddy's (stunned her into staring) and a hail mary half hour car nap. By evening, she was an exhausted wreck. This worried me for evening sleep, but I decided the overtired would just get worse, and put her to bed an hour early.. drumroll please

Shockingly, she actually slept mostly. The neighbors didn't - moving drawers and whatnot - so I also did not, but Chaya took her feeds every three hours, chattered for a while at other times and mostly zonked or plotted quietly until 7. 

So the night went well. The day, however, was a bit harried. Already Chaya has woken up in the once undefeatable boba. I can't really have a long coparenting chat wit my out of area hubby, but I'm thinking if it's already becoming a struggle to get her to nap, why not struggle towards a sustainable end. If this next nap goes sideways, we are going home and baby is starting a New Year's Napolution!

Cue the theme from Rocky! 

Suddenly SAHM - Whysbluth SheNAPigans

So previously on sleep wars, we applied some solid Ferber to our evenings. They actually didn't need too much Ferberization and generally just involved "put the baby in the crib and expect there will be a little crying (but holy crap not as much as you thought!)." Occasionally, she wakes up before the next feeding window. Sometimes she talks to herself before bed. Sometimes I realize much later that she actually blew out her overnight diaper and soiled her sleeper... at some point. Now mommy is pretty paranoid about sniffing Chaya's diaper every time she goes in to feed.

Then of course there were the naps. The dwindling power of the boba called for emergency intervention, so I decided to take advantage of the New Year's holiday, upcoming weekend, and next couple of weeks of strange work schedule to stay at home and focus on getting baby to sleep (1) better during they day, and (2) anywhere but in the boba while mommy is walking, but preferably somewhere that's sustainable and allows her a more restful sleep.

We got both Ferber and Weisbluth's books at the beginning of all this. Weissbluth's book is a pretty wretched read. That's from an editorial standpoint, not because of what he has to say. It's kind of a mess. Full of Cosmo level blurbs and Actionless Action Plans. It can also read like a Choose Your Own Adventure(!) book sometimes, constantly referring you different "plans" on different pages. There are also testimonials. It's a bit much for a sleep deprived parent to handle.

But, that said, I do appreciate what he has to say once you sort out what the heck that is. And think he was far more thorough on napping.

Anyways, it's about day three of napaganza.

Takeaways so far (thanks to my personal battle scars, my handy book references, and a bajillion hours one-handedly browsing the internet while going through the end of the nap ritual/waiting for the nap to implode) -

* Hundreds of thousands of parents are desperately going through the same motions. A few more hundreds are the obnoxious parents of easier babies. They have NO idea what other parents are going through and give horrible, horrible advice.

* Some babies genuinely don't need that much sleep. Some can sleep sleep anywhere. Some make their own beds after waking up to make gluten free paleo pancakes for their parents. Again, parents of these babies give horrible - albeit well meaning - advice. Trust me. If the baby is glassy eyed and miserable, she probably needs more sleep.

* Naps are harder. Much harder than night sleep at this age. I mean, I guess I haven't tried weaning Chaya off night-nursing, so maybe that would be tough. But generally, falling asleep and staying asleep is much easier at night. Which has to do with different brain wave patterns for the respective kinds of sleep. I guess nights consolidate first. Then morning naps - which have more REM. And then the other naps either evolve or die off... So, four month sleep regression just gets more and more fun.

* It's not actually a "regression" at all. Sleep disturbances that start at four months are the results of major and permanent shifts in how babies sleep. That's why what worked before stops working. Babies suddenly are much easier to stimulate, hover through many more delicate sleep transitions, and resist giving up play-time with their parents and the world more. Eventually babies learn to cope with these changes, but their brain wiring is permanently progressed. Just in an awkward and frustrating way.

* This is when babies start routinely waking at 45 minutes and have an immensely impossible time getting back to sleep. That was gonna happen no matter what. In fact using the old methods she was getting less restful sleep and more often waking at thirty minutes. It purportedly "consolidates" over time, but there are all kinds of whacky ways parents have tried to help babies "transition" from one nap cycle to the next.

* The later in the day the nap, the harder it is. Except when it isn't. Like yesterday, when I apparently caught Chaya at the right "nap window" by chance. She slept longer in the afternoon than earlier that day. Who knew?

* Even if it means more awake time overall, it's still liberating to not have baby latched in me with my thumb in her mouth for naps with few hours a day. Hopefully sleeping motionless really is that much more restful that the time lost isn't too bad.

* Routine takes time but it's crucial. Timing is important. Consistency is important. Some flexibility within that matters day to day, but in the long run, you have to stick with the routine. If you want your baby to sleep (and your baby isn't one of those babies that just does that) you're going to have to prioritize schedules and maybe give up some of your own flexibility. But you are possibly regaining some sleep and sanity in the bargain, so there's that. Regardless, my schedule is cleared for the next couple of weeks.

* Dark room. White noise machine. Books. Nursing. Sleep sack. Singing. Getting the hell out of the way and taking a deep breath for potential protest.

* As I've been assured by several of my fellow mothers from the almighty FB group that raising an older baby is a full time job. Newborns can go to the office. Older babies... It's not just your work that will suffer. It's that of everyone around you. You may have to start reconsidering your lucky job. Can you work from home? Can you think/work during naptimes? Would you go insane staying home? Would you really rather pay somebody to spend these fleeting moments with your baby for a job that's going to wrap up within the year anyways? Not necessarily thoughts you'd anticipated considering just yet.

* Earlier bedtime does seem to help overall sleep.

* But there's a Ferber versus Weissbluth versus everyone and anyone debate about whether sleep at night helps or hinders daytime sleep. And over how many hours babies need. But Chaya seems to want more during the day and be happy in the morning.

* In one night, Chaya learned to roll into her stomach and she gets better at it every day since then. The crib is a good thing for her. She's learning a lot in there. 

* She's averaging the same daily sleep as before things got really dire on the "sleep regression scale." Only 12.5 hours a day, but that's better than the 10 she got over Christmas. And better for mommy's brain to sometimes see a happy baby on waking up.

* Did I seriously just (1) start put my baby back down for a nap an hour after she woke up? (2) possibly consign myself to having an angry nap-deprived baby for the rest of the morning starting at 9:30, which is often when she was starting her epic boba nap? (3) go to bed at 7:30 p.m. last night?? Actually that felt pretty good.

* There's actually something pretty zen about letting the rest of the schedules fall, and just attuning yourself to the baby's wonky rhythms. I'm pretty much upstairs nursing/reading/singing, then waiting by the baby monitor, than picking up the baby, then beginning it all again after a teeny tiny window of waking baby. And night times just discard the window and sub in the occasional one-handed internet binge while feeding a semi-sleeping baby.

* In between, I'm filling my time with a house that gets dramatically tempestuously chaotic and then can be scoured and cleaned when I'm dealing with the little windows of stress that happen while baby is crying.

* Chaya can fall asleep on her own. Both at night and during the day. This is progress. Getting the scheduling down a bit better for her needs still needs tweaking. Getting her routinized enough to mix up the routine still needs establishing. But this is still saying something!

* I really really love my baby and nothing smells or feels better than that little nook between her eye and her ear.

Suddenly SAHM Nappies, Naplettes, and Nonsense

We are midway through week one of my theoretical "nap regularization strategy." Which is really code for "totally useless at the office, so let's at least get baby used to "napping" in her crib. I leave the "nap" in quotes because I can't swear that this is what she's doing. There are times where I hear only the (accursed if you're Mr. Wright) waves of the white noise machine. There are times before and after in which I hear baby fussing/crying/etc.

But when I come up, I also see the fruits of her labors. Baby is never in the same place twice. Last night, she bridged the entire span of her crib and had been butting her head up against the far left corner, for instance.

And her little drool puddles tell the peripatetic prowls like slug slime on a wet road.

She gets around.

Yes, baby has learned how to roll onto her belly. She is now hellbent (and then some) on (1) rolling back onto her back, (2) crawling, it appears. Possibly scaling the walls.

She is so close to getting back onto her back. It's even something she accomplishes from time to time. Last weekend, for instance, she managed to bonk her head and stoke daddy's epic guilt complex when she rolled off her play mat. And ok crawling is a bit further off, but informal scooching is obviously well in place. I finally saw what she was doing last night. Until then, we had only new positions and drool marks to go by, and I admit to suspecting poltergeists had been moving her about and disrupting her slumber.

Basically, you put her on her back - especially if you are trying to, say, change her clothes or diaper - and she will roll onto her belly. Then begins the drilling, goat-grunting and eventual crying. First a little head-flinging to attempt rolling. And then she will free her little arms, press her knees underneath her, lift her butt, and PUSH with a tennis player's vocals. Often, the surface is too slick for her to progress, but if not, she'll surge forward with head near the floor and arms gliding along. She's got the cross body motion of legs down, as well. I think maybe her arms just need a little more strength.

And eventually, once she's mastered this skill, maybe she'll sleep again. A mom can hope. I'm giving up much hope of her having a regular nap schedule until she's closer to six months. Four is just a tough time, and that bleeds into five. But I wouldn't mind a less grumpy baby by the evening.

In other news, I am mostly tethered to the household, since I feel oddly guilty about putting baby in her carseat after abandoning her to her crib three or four times a day and all night. Which is silly. Most of the time, she's ready for a crib session and a good practice. Those cries over the monitor (so, I'm learning from watching her when I'm right there and playing) are cries of exertion and frustration. Well, until they're obviously not. But usually she'd just as soon be left to her own devices.

Since I left my treadmill desk back at the office, I haven't been moving much beyond that particularly damaging momarobics that has my back all out of whack and a muscle pulled in my pectorals. I am making up for the lack of walking by gorging on chocolate covered ginger. This should be an interesting experiment in body weight and shape.

Since there's no way she'll even nap in the same room as the treadmill once/if I get her to nap at the office, I'm planning to get it delivered to the basement and try to pick up short running again while baby naps. I did my first run-walk since November 2014 last weekend. My body is still feeling it. I am apparently out of running shape.

And well, there's sanity in there somewhere... but I wouldn't make any guarantees that I know where or how that's going. It was never one of my strong suits.

The Endless Battle 

It's been about two weeks since I first resolved to "help" baby nap in her crib. By which I mean "since I first realized I can no longer be at work without totally making a mockery of the entire concept of work and tanking my mother's productivity in the offing, while also probably deep-sixing the slimmest chance of baby naps..." More or less. Baby kind of stopped sleeping on the go. I'm sure she's able to crash from time to time in a sleep deprived heap. But mostly... not. So here we are. 

Yes that's the baby monitor 

The good news is that she does in fact "sleep" in her crib. I'm pretty sure she sometimes sleeps in there. 

More often she chills in her crib. Or kvetches in her crib, while practicing her gymnastics. Poor thing is mastering scootching and rolling on her tummy and onto her back. She's not brilliant at any of these in a consistent manner, but she can do all of them. Her perambulations about the crib are a testament for her dedication (and sleeplessness)

Since a five month old is actually only capable of about two hours of wake time before going full Vesuvius (things you learn the hard way and over time) - and since the nap "routine" is an excuse to nurse my very distractible baby in an environment that fosters actual nursing (instead of "suck suck oooooh pretty light suck suck ooooh let me grab that tassle, suck suck oooooh mommy's mouth is interesting suck suck SQUIRREL), and thus adds another half hour before putting her down - I don't really do much more than go with the ebbs and flows of baby napping right now.

Another Mars/Venus distinction for sure. And I'm sure the two approaches are very balancing. I'm sure we both think the other is crazy. No, that one I know... 

Andrew wants Chaya to be a part of his life. He wants to take her along to things he's doing. He envisions her doing the things he loves with him someday. He envisions making time in his life to spend with her. He makes compromises by saying he'll just do "one month away" for weekend indulgences. Or only taking a two hour workout instead of a longer one. One night coming home early for another maybe stretching that bedtime back a bit to run an errand on the way home. A trip here balanced with maybe some scheduled quality time there. Parenthood is essentially another thing to juggle in the scheduling of a modern life.

I guess I more envision my life flowing around and supporting Chaya's. I do my things when she's otherwise occupied. I tear myself away with claw marks in my phone for a weekly date afternoon. I palm the monitor when she's upstairs napping. I envision making little pockets of personal time for myself more than making time out of my personal life for Chaya. The idea of taking a half day, let alone an entire week, away just does not compute. I think the inextricability has to do with her age and dependency, but it's where I am now. To the extent that we diverge in our lives it's because I also want to make sure she has space to figure the world out on her own, and that I do not interfere with her bonds with the other important people in her life.

That said, having about an hour and a half between first waking and when we need to start the routine again... doesn't leave a lot of time for much else. I mean there's tummy time. There's "sing the same couple of songs to a giggling baby until she gets bored and stops doing a baby jig" time. There's pick up various toys from the ground as quickly as Chaya can throw them time. There's "look at the mirror baby" time. And "tour of the house while carrying a bored and/or fussy baby" time. There may also be short walk and "one quick trip to the grocery store" time.

I'm not sure when more freedom from the nap routine will evolve. It doesn't help that Chaya still takes short naps. And that she will likely persist in this behavior for at least another month or two. Her longest stretch is now about an hour and twenty minute and at that point I was about ready to go make sure she hadn't suffocated herself on a bunny or something. 

When she has shorter naps (the norm), I leave her to play for somewhere between 45 minutes and an hour of total downtime. Which is definitely free time for me. I've even managed a paltry run-walk work out or two on the treadmill. Yes, the treadmill desk has made it home to me. Because even if I make it back to work, the only place the baby can nap is in my office. And the treadmill was already waking her up. But it's still pretty short work.

So SAHM gets her nifty workout device. For eensy weensy twenty minute bursts of semi-aerobic activity between shoveling meals into her face, sorta cleaning the house, and pump pump pumping. 

Yeah, although I've actually been fortunate (sometimes "fortunate" such as the times that my baby jabs my nose to bloodiness with her talons after giving me a massive nipple hickey...) to return to exclusively breastfeeding, I am still a little wary of some new mysterious drop in supply. As such, I persist in pumping, albeit at a reduced frequency. I gave up on overnight pumping during the heyday of the sleep regression. Now that she's sleeping a little better, I just can't bring myself to part with the extra sleep. But during the day, I pump after putting her down. And I think that eventually this will get old. My freezer is full. I'm actually trying to arrange to donate some of it, which does give me an aureate glimmer. Beneficence aside, it's time consuming. I'd like to keep a stash, but I don't think I need to rent out of a freezer for this stash.

I'll get there. But the weaning process even from this first effort is very gradual. Having my child heart to. heart with me... for a brief spell, once more a part of me and co-mingling her essential being with me... that is a powerful drug. For both of us. I know nursing to sleep is a major sleep crutch in Ferber land, but it's a miraculous one for babies that just don't want to sleep. And Weissbluth says it's ok for naps and stuff anyways. 

I'll struggle to ever replace that little pocket when she is awake after a feed, laying in my lap, staring up at my face and grabbing at my drawstrings, my mouth, whatever's in view. There's a serious cuddle factor that naturally springs up. Pumping probably doesn't enable that, but there's always a fear of prematurely losing the ability to continue with these little moments. She very nearly went off in preference for the fast flow of a bottle when she was little. She very nearly lost the ability to efficiently nurse. I don't want any little drive for an extra fifteen minutes to sabotage that. This time we have is so fleeting as it is. 

And so the nurse and so the nap. Because when she occasionally does sleep well, she seems oh so happy. And there's nothing sweeter than her smile when she sees me at the end of a nap and breaks her heavy duty practice to grin up at me... 

Sometimes I hold her in my arms before bed and I feel I'm holding her now, as a toddler, as a young girl, all the way to a grown woman.  I'm not one to say she's growing up too quickly. I love watching her become more and more herself every day. But that sensation of touching her through her entire life is still a bit staggering. And I just don't want to miss a single hug. A single moment of her head cradled in my hand. A single eye jabbing, heartrending howl. Ok maybe a couple of the howls.

And at this rate, I probably won't miss much lost to long naps! At least not yet. But we've still made sleep progress. Carry on the charge and bring on the Braveheart face paint! Naps shall be overcome. Or she'll eventually grow out of and back into them!