Do you take this mp3 player? To have and to hold?

I've been feeling kind of scattered lately. Usually thinking is a bit like standing in the middle of the river watching schools of crazy thoughts fly by and ... when the moment is right... grabbing one of those crazy thoughts by the tail and hanging on for the ride. This last week it's felt a lot more like grabbing at one, but letting go to grab at another before that real FWOOP and off I go in any one direction. I have a number of auto-piloted modes that keep this from being a huge impediment to my life, but it still lacks the FWOOP rush of a good extended think. I think it's the sort of odd dissonance in being in my third year - the year you kind of survive more than live - and having an incredible amount of things that must be endured before the year is up, yet during this externship having a fair amount of free time. I have my work. I have my other work. Both jobs can be kind of amazing fascinating and awesome when I'm at them. But I don't really have homework. Now I've not had homework before, but it's been a while and not wedged in between two hectic bursts of insanity. Anyways, as a result, I've become much more domestic and routinized.

I feel this is yet another sign of my impending adulthood as I edge closer to professional employment and my thirtieth birthday (year and a half now). And you know, unlike a lot of my friends, I think I'm ready for it. I have always assumed I'd hit my stride in my thirties, so I'm optimistic that will pan out. Still, having passed myself off as five to ten years older - and theoretically more mature - than I physically am, it's fascinating to watch myself still continue (and continue and continue) to "grow up."

I feel like I'm reaching an age where people are no longer asking me constantly WHEN I'm going to get married/have a baby. I'm not sure if I'm officially in old maid territory (I remember a friend of mine saying how relieved she was to be getting married before hitting thirty and the funny thing is, I've run that past other women and there does seem to be some kind of subtle programming that makes it slightly embarrassing and shameful to make it out of your twenties with bare ring fingers) or if it's just that people kind of take it for granted that I have already done these things. Lots of old family friends ask about my husband and then when I tell them they must be thinking of my sister, they get very baffled and say they could have sworn I'd gotten married.

 Anyways, if facebook has taught me anything it's that it is Open Season on Marriage. I seriously think that my friends and "friends" are getting married then getting divorced really quickly so they can get married again. It's an interesting mix because some of these people... it just makes sense. They should get married. All is right with the world that they are doing so. And others seem to be rushing to the altar with the person they met in line at the bus station two days ago. And a little bit of everything else in between.

I watch some of those people on the bus-line end of things and feel... confused, I guess at the range of emotions their unions inspire in me. Everything from condescension to guilt about that condescension to hope to a mild anger that they are subverting my carefully ordered sense of rules. Because what are humans but little pattern identifiers who watch the world go around and try to make little lists of rules about what behaviors yield good results. Because if we can just make a clear enough compendium, then we can have absolute control over what otherwise is the arbitrary capriciousness of fate and existence. But really. 

Why should I care that they're not following the rules? But a little part of me does.They can just wholeheartedly think "hey we feel good today, even if we were a wreck yesterday, so it must be great for forever... let's do it!!" and plunge ahead with full sincerity instead of "well, I think I feel this way, but here are all the challenges that we will face and here are all the milestones that probably should be crossed, and here are some issues we should address, and honestly it's hard to say until you've really been through xyz with somebody whether you can make a lasting partnership and even then where anyone will be ... and do our values correspond and given the future abc, will we grow apart and if ___ then what and...." etc. 

Because maybe in a few scenarios where my whole heart wanted something with complete ardor and passion, my "better angels" whispered "good sense" into my ears and told me to do the "right thing" when it wasn't very pleasant. 

 Because every once in a while the simple wholehearted approach wins out anyways without any of those lucubrations or work or impinging practicalities and seems like a lot less work.

 Usually not. Usually it's a huge mess and a lot more work. The internal cause-and-effect patter-identifier in me sees this and likes it. But well, sometimes... 

 I've constructed this analogy in my head about marriage and other really huge life decisions and how it's a lot like buying things on credit versus saving up:

"Do I want a kid, yeah I think I do... of course I also want a new mp3 player, a really good handheld blender, and some new boots and someday when I can afford it a house cleaner and I still stalk the electronics/baking/shoe departments in the stores and walk out mp3-less because the price seemed impractical and did I really need that?...

 Couples who test the waters and see what the status quo looks like, how they fight, how their values synch, how they stand the test of time, what their families are like, how they get through successes and failures together, etc. etc. are kind of addressing the costs upfront. Maybe not completely, but it's sort of the same impulse control and reasonableness that says "I want to make sure I can afford this before I pull the trigger."

 Other couples think "ooooh shiny" and go on a lay away plan and have to deal with all those same issues after they're already married. And sometimes those issues can be worked out and sometimes they discover they can't be. So maybe the odds of that couple surviving don't change much because they got married early (although I suspect rushing isn't a great thing generally), but they're making the call that they can afford to cover some emotional costs that they might not be able to cover and are running the risk of some kind of higher emotional drama from some metaphorical foreclosure and bankruptcy.

 Lord knows. I think it stopped being useful after the buying on credit analogy started. So, some people like immediate gratification.

 The end.