Bagpocalypse Now!

To shoddily appropriate Nabokov in an effort to cover my poor memory and lack of incentive to even utilize the almighty google: I am the sort of person whose life is defined by constant battle with inanimate objects. Some days this is more evident than others, today being a case in point.

When I come to school I come with thirty additional pounds (oh yes, I've weighed it all) distributed between three to four additional bags - and not the ones burgeoning beneath my eyes. All of these are highly necessary additional pounds: computer, books, accesories for said computer and books, notepads, the world's largest collection of pens, keys, phone, i.d., money, whatever odd thing I once packed in my bag five years ago in a pre-cross-atlantic panic... all of it clearly crucial to my scholastic sucess.

The weight itself isn't as much of a concern as the wield (and/or my lack thereof concerning mastery of the series of weights and counter-weights that would best suit the skills of an acrobat). Because I was far too stubborn to ever fill out an application for a locker, I carry all of it with me all day: when I walk up the 180 steps between my car and classrooms, when I climb up more stairs in a compulsive need to burn off some energy between classes, when I need to stop to use the bathroom on my way to class (this is always a terrifying ordeal as attempting to fit my additional bulk into your average stall usually involves at least ten episodes of some strap getting stuck to something and resultant silent-movie-esque pratfalls), and every moment in between....

Add to this the fact that I often further complicate the series of straps and weights by attaching two little grappling hooks to my ears and anchoring them sternly to a tiny mp3 player that may land anywhere from my purse to my pocket, to simply dangling from my ears as my attempts to remove one bag has caused a bag-meltdown reminiscent of Chernobyl.

Add to *that* the ever troubling quandry of what to do with my coat. See, my coat is necessary for short distances outdoors, but increasingly develops into a sweaty tormentuous nuisance a few flights up the side of the mountain one must ascend to reach campus. At this point, I deeply and passionately desire the absence of coat and my best approximation (aside from discarding my well beloved and expensive outer-wear off in the bushes) of such absence is to attempt to tie it around my waist. I say attempt for two reasons. First, becuase it is essentially impossible to remove my coat as it is firmly lashed to the mast by multiple bag-straps and any attempt to achieve freedom could only result in said bag-meltdown. Second, because my coat - in all its silky splendor - does not tie, or at least does not do so in any enduringly functional fashion. Instead it drifts, ever lower and lower towards the ground. So if I ever manage to release myself from my coat-prison (usually by proactively *not* donning it while I am strapping on bags), I am instead pawing spasmodically at my waist, usually swinging my purse - which frequently goes rogue and makes a break from my shoulder at inopportune times - in wide circles; at one pass or other, the purse inevitably tears my mp3 player from its perch, which inevitably requires more flailing as I attempt to rescue pinky the sony walkman before the ear grapples fail me, and this flailing in turn upsets the delicate balance of laptop and bag, which inspires even greater insoucience from rouge-purse until all of my possessions are strewn across the fifty stairs I've recently mounted and fallen back down as a result of my coat falling from my waist and tangling with my legs... It's amazing I'm still alive.

In other, but somewhat related news, I am now sitting in the midst of a crowd of suits and distinguished professors, judges and other legal professionals. I am currently situated at ground zero of pure bag-fall out, sporting a shirt better suited for a 300 pound man and a hair style that can only be described as "medical intern on hour 70 of her shift"... But my favorite professor is being installed as a Charles Stone Professor of Law and I will be here to represent! Many old students and coworkers have flown many miles to honor him. I have ambled down the hallway, plunked my butt down amongst the myriad senior partners and justices - so this is kind of like the anti-networking-moment of a lifetime. "pay not attention to the lady behind the laptop"... But really, this is such a cool thing. Calandrillo is possibly one of the most brilliant and passionate teachers I've had the privilege of encountering, so a few hours of alienating Seattle's finest with my law-studently slovenliness is really well-worth being there. Yay Calandrillo!!!